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Hello, I’m a merchant in a video game about increasing the numbers in your character’s spreadsheet. There are graphics meant to help you ignore the fact that you’re playing a spreadsheet.
My humble shop is on the edge of College Football Town, a war-torn area of the map in which tribes fight over items they call Rivalry Trophies. Sometimes these pickups might make their way to me. Sometimes I might offer Made-Up Video Game Currency for them. Perhaps I’ve listed out dozens and dozens* of the Rivalry Trophies in what these tribes call Division I, categorized and roughly sorted by how much MUVGC I can get for them. Some of them are simply more useful than others as survival tools in our dragon/radiation/wizard/emperor/robot/devil-stricken wasteland, you see.
Perhaps if you bring all of them to me, I will have a gift for you. Perhaps.
* Surely this list is not exhaustive. Perhaps I’ll add to it over time as more whispers make their way to my shop.
Junk items
A large portion of these things are just cups or bowls without lids. The sky is full of vomit worms. We need lids on our food. Almost all of these are useless. Some of these do have lids, but still ... we have enough containers already.
Rivalry trophies that are containers, unranked
Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|
Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
Apple Cup, Washington-Washington State | Gold cup and gold plaques on wood base | Fuel |
Bayou Bucket, Houston-Rice | Brass bucket on wood trophy | Fuel |
Beer Barrel, Kentucky-Tennessee | Wood barrel | Fuel |
Big Dog Trophy, The Citadel-Wofford | Cup on wood base | Fuel |
Bourbon Barrel, Indiana-Kentucky | Wood barrel | Fuel |
Capital Cup, Richmond-William & Mary | Cup on wood base | Fuel |
Centennial Cup, Colorado-Colorado State | Silver cup on wood base | Fuel |
Commonwealth Cup, Virginia-Virginia Tech | Chalice on wood base | |
Cypress Mug, CAJUNS-Southeastern Louisiana | Wood cup | |
Dam Cup, Eastern Washington-Portland State | Bowl on lean wood base | Fuel |
Empire Cup, Columbia-Cornell | Glass vase on wood base | Fuel |
Gansz Trophy, Navy-SMU | Chalice on wood base | Fuel |
Governor's Cup, Brown-Rhode Island | Silver chalice on wood base | Fuel |
Governor's Cup, Kansas-Kansas State | Silver chalice on wood base | Fuel |
Governors Cup, Eastern Washington-Montana | (No images found. Guess it's a cup!) | |
Jefferson-Epps Trophy, Florida State-Virginia | Silver water pitcher on wood base | Fuel |
Kuter Trophy, Air Force-Hawaii | Gold serving bowl on wood base | Fuel |
Legends Trophy, Notre Dame-Stanford | Glass goblet on wood base | Fuel |
Liberty Cup, Columbia-Fordham | Gold chalice on wood base | Fuel |
Little Brown Jug, Michigan-Minnesota | JUG | Melee weapon |
Little Brown Stein, Idaho-Montana | STEIN | Melee weapon |
Mayor's Cup, Rice-SMU | Silver cup on wood base | Fuel |
Milk Can, Boise State-Fresno State | Big ole metal can | Melee weapon |
Old Brass Spittoon, Indiana-Michigan State | Old brass spittoon | Melee weapon |
Old Oaken Bucket, Indiana-Purdue | Old oaken bucket | |
Territorial Cup, Arizona-Arizona State | Chalice | |
Textile Bowl, Clemson-NC State | Silver serving bowl on wood base | Fuel |
Trustees' Cup, Cornell-Penn | Glass bowl | |
Victory Barrel, East Carolina-NC State | Barrel |
Psst! Hey [Player Character Name]! Yeah, you! Over HERE, in the corner! The BOSS, the shopkeeper you were just talking to seconds AGO, says I shouldn’t tell you this! He doesn’t want the word GETTING out! But there’s one Container Rivalry Trophy we’ll pay a pretty CURRENCY UNIT for! It’s MILK CAN!
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It’s TOUGH, like me, the guy HIDING from my boss by screaming from SIX FEET AWAY inside the SAME building! You can use it as a Melee Weapon! I ................
........ I just don’t know where it is! Talk to my ASSOCIATES in Boise and Fresno! They’ll know for sure!
Do you accept MILK CAN SIDE QUEST?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies best turned into scrap metal, unranked
Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|
Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
Battle Line Trophy, Arkansas-Missouri | Large silver sculpture | Lots of scrap |
Battle of I-75 Trophy, Bowling Green-Toledo | Bronze sculpture | |
Bayou Classic Trophy, Grambling-Southern | Large silver sculpture | |
Bedlam Series Trophy, Oklahoma-Oklahoma State | Metal sculpture on metal base | |
Beehive Bowl Trophy, Southern Utah-Weber State | Plaque | Shield |
Ben Schwartzwalder Trophy, Syracuse-West Virginia | Sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Dick Tomey Legacy Trophy, Hawaii-San Jose State | Sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Durley-Nicks Trophy, Prairie View A&M-Texas Southern | Silver sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Florida Classic Trophy, Bethune-Cookman-Florida A&M | Gold sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Florida Cup, Florida-Florida State-Miami | Metal sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Governor's Cup, Georgia-Georgia Tech | Gold scupture on wood base | Fuel |
Governor's Trophy, Boise State-Idaho | Gold sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Great Divide Trophy, Montana-Montana State | Large bronze sculpture on wood base | More scrap |
James E. Foy V-ODK Sportsmanship Trophy, Alabama-Auburn | Sculpture of punter on silver pot and wood base (should be A BOWL MADE OF IRON) | Fuel |
Magic City Classic Trophy, Alabama A&M-Alabama State | Gold sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Mid-America Classic Trophy, Eastern Illinois-Illinois State | Metal artwork on stone ziggurat | Construction |
O'Rourke-McFadden Trophy, Boston College-Clemson | Bronze sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Paniolo Trophy, Hawaii-Wyoming | Bronze sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Ram-Crusader Cup, Fordham-Holy Cross | Gold sculpture on wood base | Fuel |
Red Bird Rivalry Trophy, Ball State-Miami (OH) | Sculpture on metal tube | |
"Rivalry Series" Trophy, Georgia Southern-Georgia State | Glass sculpture on base | |
Sgt. York Trophy, Austin Peay-Tennessee State-Tennessee Tech-UT Martin | Bronze bust on wood base | Fuel |
Southwest Classic Trophy, Arkansas-Texas A&M | Large glass-and-silver spectacle | |
Williams Trophy, Rice-Tulsa | (No images found. Guess it's a trophy!) |
Help! Help! Tigers took my 180-pound Silver Object!
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Do you accept Battle Line Trophy Side Quest?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies to burn for fuel
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Black Diamond Trophy, Virginia Tech-West Virginia | Lump of coal on what appears to be stone base | Construction |
2 | Don Shula Award, FAU-FIU | Large wood plaque | Construction |
3 | $5 Bits of Broken Chair, Minnesota-Nebraska | Wood chair and counterfeit cash on wood base | Barter (pre-war money: valuable souvenir) |
4 | Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, Air Force-Army-Navy | Silver sculptures on large wood base | Scrap |
5 | Valley Cup, Fresno State-San Jose State | Silver sculpture on large base | Scrap |
6 | BU-TT Bowl Trophy (unofficial name), Baylor-Texas Tech | Sculpture on large wood apparatus | Scrap |
7 | Heroes Trophy, Iowa-Nebraska | Silver sculpture on wood ziggurat | Scrap |
8 | First State Cup, Delaware-Delaware State | Glass vase on large wood base | Container |
9 | Ireland Trophy and Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl, Boston College-Notre Dame | Glass objects on wood bases | |
10 | Ram-Falcon Trophy, Air Force-Colorado State | Wood sculpture in glass case | Container |
11 | Palladium, MTSU-Troy | Big weird wood thing | |
12 | Rip Miller Trophy, Navy-Notre Dame | Big wood L | Construction |
13 | Causeway Carriage, Sacramento State-UC Davis | Mostly wood plaque | |
14 | Oil Can, Fresno State-San Diego State | Wood sculpture | Melee weapon |
15 | Cy-Hawk Trophy, Iowa-Iowa State | Wood sculpture | |
16 | Rio Grande Rivalry Trophy, New Mexico-New Mexico State | Plaque on wood base |
[Player Character Name], it is with great shame I, The Fire Giant, must ask a mere [Level Number] mortal such as yourself for a favor. The rains have come, and I, The Fire Giant, have nothing to feed my Fire Children. Our Great Forge aches with hunger! It all began wh-[you skip 20 pages of lore]
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Do you accept Black Diamond Trophy Side Quest?
- Yes
- No
Toys
Rivalry trophies best used as leisure objects for morale
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Battle of the Blue Trophy, Delaware-Villanova | Football on wood base | Fuel |
2 | State Fair Classic Trophy, Grambling-Prairie View A&M | Football goalposts on large base | |
3 | Jeweled Shillelagh, Notre Dame-USC | Majestic dildo | |
4 | Mayor's Cup, Temple-Villanova | Teensy toy bell on wood base | Fuel |
5 | Platypus, Oregon-Oregon State | Wood artwork that looks more like a salamander | Endless fun debating whether it's a platypus or salamander |
6 | Victory Cannon, CMU-WMU | Small toy cannon, less pathetic than Illinois-Purdue's | Mocking Illinois and Purdue |
7 | Purdue Cannon, Illinois-Purdue | Small toy cannon |
A wild PLATYPUS appeared!
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BEAVER used SCRATCH!
It’s not very effective...
Rivalry trophies that provide companionship
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Floyd of Rosedale, Iowa-Minnesota | Bronze pig on wood base | Fuel |
2 | Paul Bunyan, Michigan-Michigan State | Wood scultupre on large wood base | Fuel |
3 | Illibuck, Illinois-Ohio State | Wood turtle | |
4 | Heartland Trophy, Iowa-Wisconsin | Castrated brass bull on wood mount | Fuel |
A voice calls to me ... sonorous and ancient ... like the towering waterfalls of Rosedale ... and yet ... different ... somehow ... sadder!
“Release me ... [Player Name],” it intones unto me ... wise, but afraid ... of what?
I must know ... I must consult the Sage ... [this guy is boring, so you skip all his scenes]
I feel blinded by this information ... I cannot spit or think ... Floyd, savior of Rosedale, has been imprisoned inside ... no ...
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Do you accept Floyd of Rosedale Side Quest?
- Yes
- No
Tools
Rivalry trophies that are communication devices
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Megaphone, Michigan State-Notre Dame | Megaphone | Melee weapon |
2 | Telephone, Iowa State-Missouri | Removable telephone handset on wood base | Melee weapon |
3 | Gold Cowbell, Georgia Tech-Vanderbilt | Silver, not gold, cowbell | Melee weapon |
4 | Blue Key Victory Bell, Ball State-Indiana State | Bell on stout wood mount | Fuel |
5 | Victory Bell, Missouri-Nebraska | Bell on wood table | Fuel |
6 | Victory Bell, Cincinnati-Miami (Ohio) | Bell on wood mount | Fuel |
7 | Bell, Southern Miss-Tulane | Bell on wood mount | Fuel |
8 | Bell, Marshall-Ohio | Bell on wood mount | Fuel |
9 | River Bell, Nicholls-Southeastern Louisiana | Small bell in wood mount | Fuel |
10 | War Drum and Lamar Hunt Trophy, Kansas-Missouri | Drum and regular trophy | Scrap |
Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old woman standing by herself in her locked basement and staring at a square table, and you’ve just appeared in my basement without knocking on the door or telling me your name. Anyway I need you to collect all of my many Victory Bells, scattered hundreds of miles from me in every direction all around the map!
[You press A to speak to her again]
Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old wo-[skip]
Do you accept There Are Way Too Many Bell Trophies Side Quest?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies that can aid in aquatic travel
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Paddle, Nicholls-Texas State | Boat paddle (detachable from bonus boat) | Melee weapon |
2 | Seminole War Canoe, Florida-Miami | Life-size wood canoe | |
3 | Okefenokee Oar, Florida-Georgia | Wood boat oar | Melee weapon |
4 | Paddlewheel, Cincinnati-Pitt | Riverboat-steering device | |
5 | Wheel, Southeast Missouri-Southern Illinos | Ship wheel, wood | Fuel |
Hey what’s up guys be sure to smash like and subscribe today we’re streaming Strategy Game and we’re gonna be [spends 10 minutes explaining every setting] [spends 10 minutes explaining every faction] and that’s gonna be it until part two so thanks guys be sure to comment below and send me $5
Hey what’s up guys be sure to hit that like and subscribe today we’re on to part two of streaming Strategy Game. Well we’ve spawned in a grassland so that’s good because that’s plus food and we could buy a boat part and hmm that would be good for aquatic travel but unfortunately this game is super RNG roll-dependent and we don’t know if a boat part would be good for where we’ve spawned but shit let’s just buy a boat part we can always trade it later anyway let’s cut it right there comment below and give me $5
Hey what’s up guys like and subscribe with all your might we just bought the Nicholls-Texas State Paddle and got a free boat along with it and that’s OP but it turns out our grassland is far away from water so [problematic rant followed by apology video]
Do you like and subscribe?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies that can aid in land travel
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Victory Bell, Duke-North Carolina | Bell on cart with wheels | Communication |
1 | Victory Bell, UCLA-USC | Bell on cart with wheels | Communication |
3 | Wagon Wheel, Akron-Kent State | Wagon wheel | |
4 | Old Wagon Wheel, BYU-Utah State | Old wagon wheel | |
5 | Saddle, TCU-Texas Tech | Saddle | |
6 | Chancellor's Spurs, Texas-Texas Tech | A fancy lad's metal spurs | |
7 | Golden Horseshoe, Cal Poly-UC Davis | Big gold horseshoe on wood base, apparently with imposter version as well | Barter (give enemy the imposter version) |
8 | Steel Tire, Akron-Youngstown State | Not as powerful as it sounds, but maybe you need a tire | Scrap |
Hey hot shot! I challenge you to a grueling, 30-second race through six checkpoints! If you beat me, you get my ride!
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If I beat you, you get to try again! Or are you scared??
Do you accept Race For Bell Cart Race?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies that are food tools
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Iron Skillet, SMU-TCU | Iron skillet | Melee weapon AND armor |
2 | Red Beans and Rice Bowl, Central Arkansas-McNeese State | Cast iron pot on wood base | Fuel |
3 | Crab Bowl, Maryland-Navy | Pewter bowl of crab sculptures on wood base | Scrap |
IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS.
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Armor
Rivalry trophies that are armor
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use | Stats boosts |
---|---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use | Stats boosts |
1 | Loot box, Oklahoma-Texas | Gold hat and two to three other trophies, depending on your definition | Various | Swagger +1 |
2 | Hoosier Helmet, Butler-Valparaiso | Old-timey football helmet on wood base | Fuel | Grit +1 |
3 | Silver Shako, The Citadel-VMI | Silver hat topped by phallic object | Leisure | Charisma +1 or -1 |
4 | Red Belt, Murray State-Western Kentucky | Red belt, like the kind that holds your pants up, on wood mount | Fuel | Agility +1 |
5 | Tiger Rag, LSU-Tulane | Flag-like object | Shelter | Warmth +1 |
6 | Bronze Boot, Colorado State-Wyoming | Bronzed boot on wood base | Fuel | Kicking +1 |
7 | Beehive Boot, BYU-Utah-Utah State | Century-old leather boot | Exploration +1 | |
8 | Sabine Shoe, Lamar-CAJUNS | Bronze shoe | Cajun-ness +1 | |
9 | Land of Lincoln Trophy, Illinois-Northwestern | Hat (bronze, on wood base) | Fuel | Wisdom +1 |
10 | Cajun Crown, CAJUNS-McNeese State | (No images found. Guess it's a crown!) | Leadership +1 | |
11 | Wooden Boot, CAJUNS-ULM | Mystery boot | Mysteriousness +1 |
[Guy who moves and dresses like Voldo from Soul Calibur slithers up to you and offers you his suggestive hat]
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You’ve gained WAR BONER HAT.
Weapons
Rivalry trophies best used as defensive traps because they would be painful to step on
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Keg of Nails, Cincinnati-Louisville | Keg of nails | Container |
2 | Governor's Victory Bell, Minnesota-Penn State | Bell in fragile wood mount | Fuel |
3 | Island Showdown Trophy, Hawaii-UNLV | Gold pineapple on wood base | Melee weapon |
4 | Palmetto Bowl Trophy, Clemson-South Carolina | Silver palmetto tree on base | Scrap |
5 | Bronze Stalk, Ball State-NIU | Sculpted cornstalks on wood base | Scrap |
6 | Freedom Trophy, Nebraska-Wisconsin | Bronze sculpture on wood base | Scrap |
Help! Help! Rabid Gophers destroyed my Yet Another Bell!
Will you repair Fragile Yet Another Bell?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies that are primarily melee weapons
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? | Secondary use |
1 | Paul Bunyan's Axe, Minnesota-Wisconsin | Huge axe | Tool |
2 | Silver Spade, New Mexico State-UTEP | Shovel | Tool |
3 | War on I-4 Trophy, UCF-USF | Pewter sculpture on large base | Armor (clearly there is a shield here) |
4 | Belt, South Alabama-Troy | Rasslin'-style title belt | Being challenged at PPVs |
5 | Axe, Cal-Stanford | Axe head in wood frame with metal plaque | Projectile weapon if you don't have a stick |
6 | Blue Ridge Border Battle Trophy, ETSU-Western Carolina | Bigass rock on wood base | Fuel |
7 | Dakota Marker, North Dakota State-South Dakota State | Rock | Rock |
8 | Granite Bowl, Dartmouth-New Hampshire | (No images found. Guess it's a rock!) | Rock |
9 | The Shillelagh, Northwestern-Notre Dame | Fancy yardstick | Measurement device |
10 | Anniversary Award, Bowling Green-Kent State | Glass plaque on wood base | Fuel |
11 | HintonBurdick Grand Canyon Trophy, Northern Arizona-Southern Utah | Glass plaque, I think |
Yo [somehow misspelled Player Character Name], I heard you were talkin’ trash about me [wait, aren’t we in a tag team right now?]. If you think you’re ready to brass ring the main event as The Guy of the locker room of the company of this ... business, you’re gonna have to get through me, [somehow misspells his own name]. In fact, I’m gonna punish you for your attitude by [giving you a title shot that your character is nowhere near qualified for, since your record would be 3-0 if anyone paid attention to that, and that would be counting two tutorial matches and a grocery store parking lot brawl]. Then we’ll see who’s truly ........... [video game crowd chants along with the next two words as if these words are fun at all] THE ... GUY! [That’s not even this guy’s real-life catch phrase.]
(Wrestling video games are incredible glitch factories, is the joke here. Thanks.)
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Do you accept [misspelled in a different way]’s Challenge That Is Actually You Challenging Him For The Thing He Already Has?
- Yes
- No
Rivalry trophies that are projectile weapons
Rank | Name | What is it? |
---|---|---|
Rank | Name | What is it? |
1 | Piney Woods Trophy, Sam Houston State-Stephen F. Austin | Two Colt Walker pistols on wood mount |
2 | Fremont Cannon, Nevada-UNLV | 1840s-style 55-millimeter howitzer |
3 | Kit Carson Rifle, Arizona-New Mexico | 1866 .50 caliber breechloading rifle |
4 | Bridger Rifle, Utah State-Wyoming | .50 caliber muzzle-loading rifle |
5 | Old Hawg Rifle, Eastern Kentucky-Morehead State | Old muzzle-loading rifle |
6 | Brice-Cowell Musket, Maine-New Hampshire | 1700s flintlock rifle |
Many of these are basically just:
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Legendary items
Assorted oddball rivalry trophies, unranked
Name | What is it? | Primary use | Secondary use |
---|---|---|---|
Name | What is it? | Primary use | Secondary use |
Bones, Memphis-UAB | Big bronze slab of ribs | Reminder of what we've lost | Reminder of what we're fighting for |
Chief Caddo, Northwestern State-Stephen F. Austin | 7'6, 330-pound wood statue | Deterrence | Melee weapon for giant |
Civil ConFLiCT Trophy, UCF-UConn | Plaque too beautiful to live | Holy relic | Warding off UCF |
Golden Apple, Albany-Stony Brook | It's a golden apple trophy | Harvest season charm | |
Golden Boot, Arkansas-LSU | Massive gold monstrosity | Take cover behind it, gaudily | Anything/nothing |
Golden Egg, Mississippi State-Ole Miss | Gold orb on wood base | Bad omen | |
Governor's Cup, Kentucky-Louisville | Gold bowl on ... a base | Dinosaur DNA (is clearly the thing from Jurassic Park) | Scrap |
James Bonham Trophy, South Carolina-Texas A&M | Rootin'-tootin' sculpture on wood base | Inspiration | Fuel |
Land Grant Trophy, Michigan State-Penn State | Your grandpa's whole attic all at once | None/all | |
Magnolia Bowl, LSU-Ole Miss | Flower on large wood L shape | Seed | Fuel |
Michigan MAC Trophy, CMU-EMU-WMU | Glass sculpture on stone base | Get creative | |
Nickel, North Dakota-North Dakota State | Manhole cover-sized removable coin on wood base | Barter | Manhole cover |
NSU Trophy, Nicholls-Northwestern State | Wood trophy that says "NSU" | Designating part of your compound as the NSU area | |
Paint Bucket, Arkansas State-Memphis | Paint bucket | Disguise | Self-expression |
Shillelagh, Notre Dame-Purdue | Haunted tree growing out of wood base | Psychological warfare | What the fuck is that |
Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe, Missouri-Oklahoma | Pawnee peace pipe lost by some football idiot in the 1970s | You dumbass |
Commander [Player Character Name], we’ve entered orbit around Xyxyxgry II. We’re being hailed by an unknown space vessel. Shall I put them on the Spaceship VisComm ScreenBoard [we could just call it a screen]?
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Commander, that abomination floating in the void, it’s ... it’s horrifying! Who would’ve built such a monstrosity and cursed something to live inside it? And ... why isn’t it saying anything? Can it speak? What a terrible existence! What’s trapped inside it, Commander? Why did it hail us? Underneath that hideous exterior, it must be suffering unbelievable space torment. Commander, I ... I don’t say this lightly, but I think we should put it out of its misery.
Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?
- No, it is actually beautiful
- Yes [mission fail, it is invincible and perfect, try again]
Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?
- No, it is actually beautiful
You’ve now 100%-ed every Rivalry Trophy the Shopkeeper asked for. You return to speak to him.
Th- ... thank you, [Player Character Name]. You have ... done something vital. I ... cannot thank you enough.
I feel ... a change coming on. You see, I didn’t just ask you to collect every Division I Rivalry Trophy just so I could make Currency Units. No.
This entire time, I’ve been consuming Rivalry Trophy Energy from each of them! The Red River Shootout Golden Hat’s chaos ... the Iron Bowl Trophy That Is Not An Iron Bowl’s powers of upheaval ... the Great Divide Trophy’s wild brawl factor ... the Commonwealth Cup’s endless nightmares ... the Old Oaken Bucket’s FOREBODING NATURE ... the time-frozen knowledge of Paul Bunyan’s Axe ... the Little Brown Jug’s contrived origin story ... the Cy-Hawk Trophy’s fruitless stat-grinding patience ... the Calvinist mock-insanity of Bedlam ... whatever totem might reference Georgia being 0-3 all-time against Holy Cross ... I’ve even harnessed THE CEASELESS BATTLE BETWEEN LAND AND SEA!
I have absorbed them all, and I have become ... THE MIGHTIEST RIVALRY TROPHY OF ALL TIME!
YOUR POOR DIVISION I MIND CANNOT CONCEIVE OF THE POWER NOW HELD IN MY MOSSY FISTS!
JOIN ME OR PERISH!
BEHOLD!
[Boss Fight Song plays]
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