156 rivalry trophies, ranked by a merchant in a role-playing game

New, 13 comments

We love all these objects. But what if we had to depend on them in order to defeat a horde of level 50 mutant capybaras?

By Jason Kirk Updated Dec 10, 2019, 11:16am EST

13 comments / new

Hello, I’m a merchant in a video game about increasing the numbers in your character’s spreadsheet. There are graphics meant to help you ignore the fact that you’re playing a spreadsheet.

My humble shop is on the edge of College Football Town, a war-torn area of the map in which tribes fight over items they call Rivalry Trophies. Sometimes these pickups might make their way to me. Sometimes I might offer Made-Up Video Game Currency for them. Perhaps I’ve listed out dozens and dozens* of the Rivalry Trophies in what these tribes call Division I, categorized and roughly sorted by how much MUVGC I can get for them. Some of them are simply more useful than others as survival tools in our dragon/radiation/wizard/emperor/robot/devil-stricken wasteland, you see.

Perhaps if you bring all of them to me, I will have a gift for you. Perhaps.

* Surely this list is not exhaustive. Perhaps I’ll add to it over time as more whispers make their way to my shop.

Junk items

A large portion of these things are just cups or bowls without lids. The sky is full of vomit worms. We need lids on our food. Almost all of these are useless. Some of these do have lids, but still ... we have enough containers already.

Rivalry trophies that are containers, unranked

Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Apple Cup, Washington-Washington State	Gold cup and gold plaques on wood base	Fuel
Bayou Bucket, Houston-Rice	Brass bucket on wood trophy	Fuel
Beer Barrel, Kentucky-Tennessee	Wood barrel	Fuel
Big Dog Trophy, The Citadel-Wofford	Cup on wood base	Fuel
Bourbon Barrel, Indiana-Kentucky	Wood barrel	Fuel
Capital Cup, Richmond-William & Mary	Cup on wood base	Fuel
Centennial Cup, Colorado-Colorado State	Silver cup on wood base	Fuel
Commonwealth Cup, Virginia-Virginia Tech	Chalice on wood base
Cypress Mug, CAJUNS-Southeastern Louisiana	Wood cup
Dam Cup, Eastern Washington-Portland State	Bowl on lean wood base	Fuel
Empire Cup, Columbia-Cornell	Glass vase on wood base	Fuel
Gansz Trophy, Navy-SMU	Chalice on wood base	Fuel
Governor's Cup, Brown-Rhode Island	Silver chalice on wood base	Fuel
Governor's Cup, Kansas-Kansas State	Silver chalice on wood base	Fuel
Governors Cup, Eastern Washington-Montana	(No images found. Guess it's a cup!)
Jefferson-Epps Trophy, Florida State-Virginia	Silver water pitcher on wood base	Fuel
Kuter Trophy, Air Force-Hawaii	Gold serving bowl on wood base	Fuel
Legends Trophy, Notre Dame-Stanford	Glass goblet on wood base	Fuel
Liberty Cup, Columbia-Fordham	Gold chalice on wood base	Fuel
Little Brown Jug, Michigan-Minnesota	JUG	Melee weapon
Little Brown Stein, Idaho-Montana	STEIN	Melee weapon
Mayor's Cup, Rice-SMU	Silver cup on wood base	Fuel
Milk Can, Boise State-Fresno State	Big ole metal can	Melee weapon
Old Brass Spittoon, Indiana-Michigan State	Old brass spittoon	Melee weapon
Old Oaken Bucket, Indiana-Purdue	Old oaken bucket
Territorial Cup, Arizona-Arizona State	Chalice
Textile Bowl, Clemson-NC State	Silver serving bowl on wood base	Fuel
Trustees' Cup, Cornell-Penn	Glass bowl
Victory Barrel, East Carolina-NC State	Barrel

Psst! Hey [Player Character Name]! Yeah, you! Over HERE, in the corner! The BOSS, the shopkeeper you were just talking to seconds AGO, says I shouldn’t tell you this! He doesn’t want the word GETTING out! But there’s one Container Rivalry Trophy we’ll pay a pretty CURRENCY UNIT for! It’s MILK CAN!

It’s TOUGH, like me, the guy HIDING from my boss by screaming from SIX FEET AWAY inside the SAME building! You can use it as a Melee Weapon! I ................

........ I just don’t know where it is! Talk to my ASSOCIATES in Boise and Fresno! They’ll know for sure!

Do you accept MILK CAN SIDE QUEST?

Rivalry trophies best turned into scrap metal, unranked

Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Battle Line Trophy, Arkansas-Missouri	Large silver sculpture	Lots of scrap
Battle of I-75 Trophy, Bowling Green-Toledo	Bronze sculpture
Bayou Classic Trophy, Grambling-Southern	Large silver sculpture
Bedlam Series Trophy, Oklahoma-Oklahoma State	Metal sculpture on metal base
Beehive Bowl Trophy, Southern Utah-Weber State	Plaque	Shield
Ben Schwartzwalder Trophy, Syracuse-West Virginia	Sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Dick Tomey Legacy Trophy, Hawaii-San Jose State	Sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Durley-Nicks Trophy, Prairie View A&M-Texas Southern	Silver sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Florida Classic Trophy, Bethune-Cookman-Florida A&M	Gold sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Florida Cup, Florida-Florida State-Miami	Metal sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Governor's Cup, Georgia-Georgia Tech	Gold scupture on wood base	Fuel
Governor's Trophy, Boise State-Idaho	Gold sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Great Divide Trophy, Montana-Montana State	Large bronze sculpture on wood base	More scrap
James E. Foy V-ODK Sportsmanship Trophy, Alabama-Auburn	Sculpture of punter on silver pot and wood base (should be A BOWL MADE OF IRON)	Fuel
Magic City Classic Trophy, Alabama A&M-Alabama State	Gold sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Mid-America Classic Trophy, Eastern Illinois-Illinois State	Metal artwork on stone ziggurat	Construction
O'Rourke-McFadden Trophy, Boston College-Clemson	Bronze sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Paniolo Trophy, Hawaii-Wyoming	Bronze sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Ram-Crusader Cup, Fordham-Holy Cross	Gold sculpture on wood base	Fuel
Red Bird Rivalry Trophy, Ball State-Miami (OH)	Sculpture on metal tube
"Rivalry Series" Trophy, Georgia Southern-Georgia State	Glass sculpture on base
Sgt. York Trophy, Austin Peay-Tennessee State-Tennessee Tech-UT Martin	Bronze bust on wood base	Fuel
Southwest Classic Trophy, Arkansas-Texas A&M	Large glass-and-silver spectacle
Williams Trophy, Rice-Tulsa	(No images found. Guess it's a trophy!)

Help! Help! Tigers took my 180-pound Silver Object!

Do you accept Battle Line Trophy Side Quest?

Rivalry trophies to burn for fuel

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Black Diamond Trophy, Virginia Tech-West Virginia	Lump of coal on what appears to be stone base	Construction
2	Don Shula Award, FAU-FIU	Large wood plaque	Construction
3	$5 Bits of Broken Chair, Minnesota-Nebraska	Wood chair and counterfeit cash on wood base	Barter (pre-war money: valuable souvenir)
4	Commander-in-Chief's Trophy, Air Force-Army-Navy	Silver sculptures on large wood base	Scrap
5	Valley Cup, Fresno State-San Jose State	Silver sculpture on large base	Scrap
6	BU-TT Bowl Trophy (unofficial name), Baylor-Texas Tech	Sculpture on large wood apparatus	Scrap
7	Heroes Trophy, Iowa-Nebraska	Silver sculpture on wood ziggurat	Scrap
8	First State Cup, Delaware-Delaware State	Glass vase on large wood base	Container
9	Ireland Trophy and Frank Leahy Memorial Bowl, Boston College-Notre Dame	Glass objects on wood bases
10	Ram-Falcon Trophy, Air Force-Colorado State	Wood sculpture in glass case	Container
11	Palladium, MTSU-Troy	Big weird wood thing
12	Rip Miller Trophy, Navy-Notre Dame	Big wood L	Construction
13	Causeway Carriage, Sacramento State-UC Davis	Mostly wood plaque
14	Oil Can, Fresno State-San Diego State	Wood sculpture	Melee weapon
15	Cy-Hawk Trophy, Iowa-Iowa State	Wood sculpture
16	Rio Grande Rivalry Trophy, New Mexico-New Mexico State	Plaque on wood base

[Player Character Name], it is with great shame I, The Fire Giant, must ask a mere [Level Number] mortal such as yourself for a favor. The rains have come, and I, The Fire Giant, have nothing to feed my Fire Children. Our Great Forge aches with hunger! It all began wh-[you skip 20 pages of lore]

Virginia Tech-West Virginia rivalry trophy

Do you accept Black Diamond Trophy Side Quest?

Toys

Rivalry trophies best used as leisure objects for morale

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Battle of the Blue Trophy, Delaware-Villanova	Football on wood base	Fuel
2	State Fair Classic Trophy, Grambling-Prairie View A&M	Football goalposts on large base
3	Jeweled Shillelagh, Notre Dame-USC	Majestic dildo
4	Mayor's Cup, Temple-Villanova	Teensy toy bell on wood base	Fuel
5	Platypus, Oregon-Oregon State	Wood artwork that looks more like a salamander	Endless fun debating whether it's a platypus or salamander
6	Victory Cannon, CMU-WMU	Small toy cannon, less pathetic than Illinois-Purdue's	Mocking Illinois and Purdue
7	Purdue Cannon, Illinois-Purdue	Small toy cannon

A wild PLATYPUS appeared!

BEAVER used SCRATCH!

It’s not very effective...

Rivalry trophies that provide companionship

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Floyd of Rosedale, Iowa-Minnesota	Bronze pig on wood base	Fuel
2	Paul Bunyan, Michigan-Michigan State	Wood scultupre on large wood base	Fuel
3	Illibuck, Illinois-Ohio State	Wood turtle
4	Heartland Trophy, Iowa-Wisconsin	Castrated brass bull on wood mount	Fuel

A voice calls to me ... sonorous and ancient ... like the towering waterfalls of Rosedale ... and yet ... different ... somehow ... sadder!

“Release me ... [Player Name],” it intones unto me ... wise, but afraid ... of what?

I must know ... I must consult the Sage ... [this guy is boring, so you skip all his scenes]

I feel blinded by this information ... I cannot spit or think ... Floyd, savior of Rosedale, has been imprisoned inside ... no ...

Do you accept Floyd of Rosedale Side Quest?

Tools

Rivalry trophies that are communication devices

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Megaphone, Michigan State-Notre Dame	Megaphone	Melee weapon
2	Telephone, Iowa State-Missouri	Removable telephone handset on wood base	Melee weapon
3	Gold Cowbell, Georgia Tech-Vanderbilt	Silver, not gold, cowbell	Melee weapon
4	Blue Key Victory Bell, Ball State-Indiana State	Bell on stout wood mount	Fuel
5	Victory Bell, Missouri-Nebraska	Bell on wood table	Fuel
6	Victory Bell, Cincinnati-Miami (Ohio)	Bell on wood mount	Fuel
7	Bell, Southern Miss-Tulane	Bell on wood mount	Fuel
8	Bell, Marshall-Ohio	Bell on wood mount	Fuel
9	River Bell, Nicholls-Southeastern Louisiana	Small bell in wood mount	Fuel
10	War Drum and Lamar Hunt Trophy, Kansas-Missouri	Drum and regular trophy	Scrap

Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old woman standing by herself in her locked basement and staring at a square table, and you’ve just appeared in my basement without knocking on the door or telling me your name. Anyway I need you to collect all of my many Victory Bells, scattered hundreds of miles from me in every direction all around the map!

[You press A to speak to her again]

Oh? Who’s there? I’m an old wo-[skip]

Do you accept There Are Way Too Many Bell Trophies Side Quest?

Rivalry trophies that can aid in aquatic travel

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Paddle, Nicholls-Texas State	Boat paddle (detachable from bonus boat)	Melee weapon
2	Seminole War Canoe, Florida-Miami	Life-size wood canoe
3	Okefenokee Oar, Florida-Georgia	Wood boat oar	Melee weapon
4	Paddlewheel, Cincinnati-Pitt	Riverboat-steering device
5	Wheel, Southeast Missouri-Southern Illinos	Ship wheel, wood	Fuel

Hey what’s up guys be sure to smash like and subscribe today we’re streaming Strategy Game and we’re gonna be [spends 10 minutes explaining every setting] [spends 10 minutes explaining every faction] and that’s gonna be it until part two so thanks guys be sure to comment below and send me $5

Hey what’s up guys be sure to hit that like and subscribe today we’re on to part two of streaming Strategy Game. Well we’ve spawned in a grassland so that’s good because that’s plus food and we could buy a boat part and hmm that would be good for aquatic travel but unfortunately this game is super RNG roll-dependent and we don’t know if a boat part would be good for where we’ve spawned but shit let’s just buy a boat part we can always trade it later anyway let’s cut it right there comment below and give me $5

Hey what’s up guys like and subscribe with all your might we just bought the Nicholls-Texas State Paddle and got a free boat along with it and that’s OP but it turns out our grassland is far away from water so [problematic rant followed by apology video]

Do you like and subscribe?

Rivalry trophies that can aid in land travel

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Victory Bell, Duke-North Carolina	Bell on cart with wheels	Communication
1	Victory Bell, UCLA-USC	Bell on cart with wheels	Communication
3	Wagon Wheel, Akron-Kent State	Wagon wheel
4	Old Wagon Wheel, BYU-Utah State	Old wagon wheel
5	Saddle, TCU-Texas Tech	Saddle
6	Chancellor's Spurs, Texas-Texas Tech	A fancy lad's metal spurs
7	Golden Horseshoe, Cal Poly-UC Davis	Big gold horseshoe on wood base, apparently with imposter version as well	Barter (give enemy the imposter version)
8	Steel Tire, Akron-Youngstown State	Not as powerful as it sounds, but maybe you need a tire	Scrap

Hey hot shot! I challenge you to a grueling, 30-second race through six checkpoints! If you beat me, you get my ride!

If I beat you, you get to try again! Or are you scared??

Do you accept Race For Bell Cart Race?

Rivalry trophies that are food tools

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Iron Skillet, SMU-TCU	Iron skillet	Melee weapon AND armor
2	Red Beans and Rice Bowl, Central Arkansas-McNeese State	Cast iron pot on wood base	Fuel
3	Crab Bowl, Maryland-Navy	Pewter bowl of crab sculptures on wood base	Scrap

IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS.

Armor

Rivalry trophies that are armor

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use	Stats boosts
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use	Stats boosts
1	Loot box, Oklahoma-Texas	Gold hat and two to three other trophies, depending on your definition	Various	Swagger +1
2	Hoosier Helmet, Butler-Valparaiso	Old-timey football helmet on wood base	Fuel	Grit +1
3	Silver Shako, The Citadel-VMI	Silver hat topped by phallic object	Leisure	Charisma +1 or -1
4	Red Belt, Murray State-Western Kentucky	Red belt, like the kind that holds your pants up, on wood mount	Fuel	Agility +1
5	Tiger Rag, LSU-Tulane	Flag-like object	Shelter	Warmth +1
6	Bronze Boot, Colorado State-Wyoming	Bronzed boot on wood base	Fuel	Kicking +1
7	Beehive Boot, BYU-Utah-Utah State	Century-old leather boot		Exploration +1
8	Sabine Shoe, Lamar-CAJUNS	Bronze shoe		Cajun-ness +1
9	Land of Lincoln Trophy, Illinois-Northwestern	Hat (bronze, on wood base)	Fuel	Wisdom +1
10	Cajun Crown, CAJUNS-McNeese State	(No images found. Guess it's a crown!)		Leadership +1
11	Wooden Boot, CAJUNS-ULM	Mystery boot		Mysteriousness +1

[Guy who moves and dresses like Voldo from Soul Calibur slithers up to you and offers you his suggestive hat]

You’ve gained WAR BONER HAT.

Weapons

Rivalry trophies best used as defensive traps because they would be painful to step on

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Keg of Nails, Cincinnati-Louisville	Keg of nails	Container
2	Governor's Victory Bell, Minnesota-Penn State	Bell in fragile wood mount	Fuel
3	Island Showdown Trophy, Hawaii-UNLV	Gold pineapple on wood base	Melee weapon
4	Palmetto Bowl Trophy, Clemson-South Carolina	Silver palmetto tree on base	Scrap
5	Bronze Stalk, Ball State-NIU	Sculpted cornstalks on wood base	Scrap
6	Freedom Trophy, Nebraska-Wisconsin	Bronze sculpture on wood base	Scrap

Help! Help! Rabid Gophers destroyed my Yet Another Bell!

Will you repair Fragile Yet Another Bell?

Rivalry trophies that are primarily melee weapons

Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
Rank	Name	What is it?	Secondary use
1	Paul Bunyan's Axe, Minnesota-Wisconsin	Huge axe	Tool
2	Silver Spade, New Mexico State-UTEP	Shovel	Tool
3	War on I-4 Trophy, UCF-USF	Pewter sculpture on large base	Armor (clearly there is a shield here)
4	Belt, South Alabama-Troy	Rasslin'-style title belt	Being challenged at PPVs
5	Axe, Cal-Stanford	Axe head in wood frame with metal plaque	Projectile weapon if you don't have a stick
6	Blue Ridge Border Battle Trophy, ETSU-Western Carolina	Bigass rock on wood base	Fuel
7	Dakota Marker, North Dakota State-South Dakota State	Rock	Rock
8	Granite Bowl, Dartmouth-New Hampshire	(No images found. Guess it's a rock!)	Rock
9	The Shillelagh, Northwestern-Notre Dame	Fancy yardstick	Measurement device
10	Anniversary Award, Bowling Green-Kent State	Glass plaque on wood base	Fuel
11	HintonBurdick Grand Canyon Trophy, Northern Arizona-Southern Utah	Glass plaque, I think

Yo [somehow misspelled Player Character Name], I heard you were talkin’ trash about me [wait, aren’t we in a tag team right now?]. If you think you’re ready to brass ring the main event as The Guy of the locker room of the company of this ... business, you’re gonna have to get through me, [somehow misspells his own name]. In fact, I’m gonna punish you for your attitude by [giving you a title shot that your character is nowhere near qualified for, since your record would be 3-0 if anyone paid attention to that, and that would be counting two tutorial matches and a grocery store parking lot brawl]. Then we’ll see who’s truly ........... [video game crowd chants along with the next two words as if these words are fun at all] THE ... GUY! [That’s not even this guy’s real-life catch phrase.]

(Wrestling video games are incredible glitch factories, is the joke here. Thanks.)

Do you accept [misspelled in a different way]’s Challenge That Is Actually You Challenging Him For The Thing He Already Has?

Rivalry trophies that are projectile weapons

Rank	Name	What is it?
Rank	Name	What is it?
1	Piney Woods Trophy, Sam Houston State-Stephen F. Austin	Two Colt Walker pistols on wood mount
2	Fremont Cannon, Nevada-UNLV	1840s-style 55-millimeter howitzer
3	Kit Carson Rifle, Arizona-New Mexico	1866 .50 caliber breechloading rifle
4	Bridger Rifle, Utah State-Wyoming	.50 caliber muzzle-loading rifle
5	Old Hawg Rifle, Eastern Kentucky-Morehead State	Old muzzle-loading rifle
6	Brice-Cowell Musket, Maine-New Hampshire	1700s flintlock rifle

Many of these are basically just:

Legendary items

Assorted oddball rivalry trophies, unranked

Name	What is it?	Primary use	Secondary use
Name	What is it?	Primary use	Secondary use
Bones, Memphis-UAB	Big bronze slab of ribs	Reminder of what we've lost	Reminder of what we're fighting for
Chief Caddo, Northwestern State-Stephen F. Austin	7'6, 330-pound wood statue	Deterrence	Melee weapon for giant
Civil ConFLiCT Trophy, UCF-UConn	Plaque too beautiful to live	Holy relic	Warding off UCF
Golden Apple, Albany-Stony Brook	It's a golden apple trophy	Harvest season charm
Golden Boot, Arkansas-LSU	Massive gold monstrosity	Take cover behind it, gaudily	Anything/nothing
Golden Egg, Mississippi State-Ole Miss	Gold orb on wood base	Bad omen
Governor's Cup, Kentucky-Louisville	Gold bowl on ... a base	Dinosaur DNA (is clearly the thing from Jurassic Park)	Scrap
James Bonham Trophy, South Carolina-Texas A&M	Rootin'-tootin' sculpture on wood base	Inspiration	Fuel
Land Grant Trophy, Michigan State-Penn State	Your grandpa's whole attic all at once	None/all
Magnolia Bowl, LSU-Ole Miss	Flower on large wood L shape	Seed	Fuel
Michigan MAC Trophy, CMU-EMU-WMU	Glass sculpture on stone base	Get creative
Nickel, North Dakota-North Dakota State	Manhole cover-sized removable coin on wood base	Barter	Manhole cover
NSU Trophy, Nicholls-Northwestern State	Wood trophy that says "NSU"	Designating part of your compound as the NSU area
Paint Bucket, Arkansas State-Memphis	Paint bucket	Disguise	Self-expression
Shillelagh, Notre Dame-Purdue	Haunted tree growing out of wood base	Psychological warfare	What the fuck is that
Tiger-Sooner Peace Pipe, Missouri-Oklahoma	Pawnee peace pipe lost by some football idiot in the 1970s	You dumbass

Commander [Player Character Name], we’ve entered orbit around Xyxyxgry II. We’re being hailed by an unknown space vessel. Shall I put them on the Spaceship VisComm ScreenBoard [we could just call it a screen]?

Commander, that abomination floating in the void, it’s ... it’s horrifying! Who would’ve built such a monstrosity and cursed something to live inside it? And ... why isn’t it saying anything? Can it speak? What a terrible existence! What’s trapped inside it, Commander? Why did it hail us? Underneath that hideous exterior, it must be suffering unbelievable space torment. Commander, I ... I don’t say this lightly, but I think we should put it out of its misery.

Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?

No, it is actually beautiful
Yes [mission fail, it is invincible and perfect, try again]

Will you destroy The Land Grant Trophy?

No, it is actually beautiful

You’ve now 100%-ed every Rivalry Trophy the Shopkeeper asked for. You return to speak to him.

Th- ... thank you, [Player Character Name]. You have ... done something vital. I ... cannot thank you enough.

I feel ... a change coming on. You see, I didn’t just ask you to collect every Division I Rivalry Trophy just so I could make Currency Units. No.

This entire time, I’ve been consuming Rivalry Trophy Energy from each of them! The Red River Shootout Golden Hat’s chaos ... the Iron Bowl Trophy That Is Not An Iron Bowl’s powers of upheaval ... the Great Divide Trophy’s wild brawl factor ... the Commonwealth Cup’s endless nightmares ... the Old Oaken Bucket’s FOREBODING NATURE ... the time-frozen knowledge of Paul Bunyan’s Axe ... the Little Brown Jug’s contrived origin story ... the Cy-Hawk Trophy’s fruitless stat-grinding patience ... the Calvinist mock-insanity of Bedlam ... whatever totem might reference Georgia being 0-3 all-time against Holy Cross ... I’ve even harnessed THE CEASELESS BATTLE BETWEEN LAND AND SEA!

I have absorbed them all, and I have become ... THE MIGHTIEST RIVALRY TROPHY OF ALL TIME!

YOUR POOR DIVISION I MIND CANNOT CONCEIVE OF THE POWER NOW HELD IN MY MOSSY FISTS!

JOIN ME OR PERISH!

BEHOLD!

[Boss Fight Song plays]