LSU won the national championship on a Monday. On Friday, they went to the White House. (College football is not among the sports where teams have stopped doing this.)
We have thoughts about Donald Trump. You have thoughts about Donald Trump too. Whatever those thoughts, we most likely agree that if you were a college football team standing behind someone who said something like, “We took out those terrorists like your football team would’ve taken out those terrorists,” you might have any number of reactions.
Let’s go to the faces one second after Trump said LSU could’ve taken out the terrorists like Trump took out the terrorists.
Here, we’ve got five distinct reactions.
- Left: “wait, we’re playing football against the terrorists now?”
- Middle: wishing he were a 5’7 slot receiver, obscured by Trump’s hair and thus not part of this whole scene.
- Right: started the morning bummed he was wearing a suit in Washington, D.C. instead of shorts at Disney World, and this has only added to his frustration.
- The bald guy behind Trump remembers having to play football against terrorists at a Fiesta Bowl in the 1970s.
- The woman behind Trump is amused, but cognizant she’s on camera.
Justin Jefferson is breaking the fourth wall to ensure you, the reader, it will be easy for LSU to avoid playing the terrorists, because the terrorists rank outside the final AP Poll top 10.
Long snapper Blake Ferguson was having a good time, basking in the post-title glow. Now he’s realizing the commander-in-chief might have just drafted him into the military? Shit, he’d have just let Oklahoma win that semifinal then.
Still seeking answers on whether LSU has, in fact, scheduled the terrorists in a future season. If so, is that a home-and-home, or are we playing the terrorists in AT&T Stadium? What is the Playoff committee going to say if LSU loses to the terrorists but wins the SEC, and how much does it turn on whether the terrorists get a Famous Idaho Potato Bowl berth? Are we using terrorist officials or is it an SEC crew? Did Kirby Smart flip any terrorist commits on Early Signing Day? How in the world is Tom Rinaldi going to make a moving pregame video about the terrorists?
Joe Burrow didn’t even hear what the president said. He’s too busy mentally rehearsing saying “I’m excited to be a Bengal” and “I think I’ll learn a lot from Andy Dalton” and “Mike Brown’s a great owner and I know he’s going to put this team in a position to contend for multiple Super Bowls rather than push his team’s most talented players to demand trades later in their careers because that’d be incredibly poor management” without giggling.
“That’s a bit harsh of a description for Nick Saban.”
Annoyed because she bet a friend $100 that Trump wouldn’t bring up Iran during the White House visit. It seemed like such a safe wager. Why would you invoke tense geopolitics when you have the opportunity to just tell a bunch of college students that they’re very fast and strong and determined? (But not as fast as fast, strong, or determined as you, Donald Trump, are.) Like, sure, maybe he’s gonna talk about how he almost bought the Buffalo Bills but the Bills, unlike LSU, are a bunch of losers, and that’ll feel a little awkward, but we’ll all get through it. Iran, though? I just don’t see why he’d raise it.
And now she owes Lisa, who correctly predicted the president of the United States would want to use LSU’s post-championship visit as a chance to talk about recent military action, $100. Dammit.
Coach O is thinking about Popeyes, hence the smile.
Let’s note this is THE ONE TIME the president could pull his Serve Fast Food To National Champions gimmick and have it actually look cool, if only the president had the moral strength to make it Louisiana’s own Popeyes. There’s a Popeyes 0.8 miles away from the White House!
Coach O’s not worried about all that, and do you want to know why? Do you want to know his secret, the source of both his inner calm and his outer power?
It’s this: every meal Coach O has ever eaten, no matter the substance or situation or proximity to people who swear they had a fabulous time making billions of dollars in 1989 by putting the moon in the sky over Manhattan, tastes just like Popeyes.