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203 bowl game sponsors throughout history, graded by Coach Dunkability

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Here’s a list of almost every major FBS bowl game ever, categorized by the only factor that currently matters.

Ivan Pierre Aguirre-USA TODAY Sports. Banner Society illustration

On December 20, 2019 in Frisco, Texas, inspiration struck. Also striking: a kale smoothie all over the body of victorious Kent State head coach Sean Lewis.

ESPN

The game was sponsored by Tropical Smoothie Cafe, you see.

This happened on the first day of bowl season. So of course it was followed by that year’s Potato ...

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio vs. Nevada Darin Oswald/Idaho Statesman/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

... and Cheez-It ...

Trevor Cokley, U.S. Air Force Academy

... and that Frosted Flakes fusillade at the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.

The viewing public saw all of this and agreed that it was good.

As with all good ideas: if a little bit is good, then more would be better, and ALL OF IT would be best.

Let’s begin. Because not all of these are obviously connected to a specific item, I assigned most of them one of their most popular products. We must also judge whether the item exists in our three physical dimensions and can fit within a regulation liquid jug. Also, I’ve mixed together both bowl names (like “Rose”) and bowl sponsors (like “Vizio”), so several will overlap.

(If the table below isn’t showing for you on Google AMP or Apple News or whatever, click here to see the actual article version.)

Just about every major FBS bowl sponsor and/or name ever, scrutinized by whether that sponsor/name product could be dunked from a jug onto a coach’s head

Sponsor Dunk item Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug? Bowl
Sponsor Dunk item Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug? Bowl
Academy Sports + Outdoors Footballs! Yes Houston
Advocare V100 Candy vitamins Yes Independence/Houston
Alamo The Alamo No Alamo
All-American All-Americans No, not even Darren Sproles Birmingham (1982-2000)
Allstate Insurance No, no bank stuff Sugar
American General Insurance No, no bank stuff Music City
Arizona Arizona No Arizona
Astro-Bluebonnet Astro-bluebonnets Astro-yes Astro-Houston (1968-1987)
AT&T Phones Yes Rose
AutoZone Motor oil Yes Liberty
Aviation Mastery of flight, dreams of touching heavens, etc. No, not a physical object Dayton (1961)
AXA Insurance No, no bank stuff Liberty
Bacardi They weren't referring to rum at the time, but let's say rum Yes Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946)
Bad Boy Mowers Compact Outlaw No, not compact enough St. Pete/Tampa
Bahamas The Bahamas No Bahamas
BattleFrog It's a series of obstacle courses, but literal fighting frogs would fit Yes, channel their warlike nature into loyal guardfrogs Fiesta
BBVA Compass Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Birmingham
Beef 'O' Brady's Bar food that used to have insane names Yes St. Pete/Tampa
Belk Polo shirts Yes Charlotte
Bell Helicopter UH-1Y "Super Huey" Venom No Armed Forces
Birmingham Birmingham No Birmingham
Bitcoin Pretend internet money No, is fake St. Pete/Tampa
Blockbuster World's last Blockbuster Video (in Oregon) No Blockbuster/etc.
Bluebonnet Bluebonnets Yes Houston (1959-1967)
Bluegrass Bluegrass Yes Louisville (1958)
Boca Raton Boca Raton No Boca Raton
Breast Cancer Research Foundation Hey, just donate Hey, just donate Cure
Bridgepoint Education For-profit university No, student-athletes already deal with these Holiday
Bridgestone Tires Not really, without modifications Music City
Brut Cologne Yes, make your coach smell like an elevator Sun
Buffalo Wild Wings Chicken wings Yes Citrus/Copper
Builders Square Hammers Yes Alamo
California California No Fresno (1981-1991)
California Raisin Raisins Yes California
Camellia Camellias Yes Camellia
Camping World Campers No Independence/Blockbuster
Capital One Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Orange/Citrus
Carquest Motor oil Yes Blockbuster/etc.
Celebration Celebrations No, not a physical object Celebration
Champs Sports Footballs! Yes Blockbuster/etc.
Charity Charity No, not a physical object Los Angeles (1937)
Cheez-It Cheez-Its Yes, evidently Copper/etc.
Cheribundi Tart Cherry Cherry juice Yes Boca Raton
Cherry Cherries Yes Detroit (1984-85)
Chick-fil-A Chicken sandwiches Yes Peach
Citi Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Rose
Citrus Citrus fruits Yes Citrus
Coca-Cola Coca-Cola Yes Mirage (Tokyo)
CompUSA Screaming AOL modems Yes Citrus
ConAgra Foods Slim Jims AWW YEEEEAH! Hawaii
Continental Tire Tires No, some tires could fit, not but contintental ones Charlotte
Cotton Cotton Yes Cotton
Crucial dot com Memory cards A shower of information upon the mind! Potato
Culligan Water Actually, yes, water would fit in a jug Holiday
Cure Cures I don't know Cure
Delta The Mississippi Delta No Memphis (1947-48)
Diamond/Emerald/Walnut Walnuts Yes Santa Clara
Discover Credit cards Yes Orange
Dixie Dixie No Birmingham (1947-48), Dallas (1921, 1924, 1933)
Dollar General Everything No, "everything" is big Mobile
Domino's Pizza Pizza Yes Copper/etc.
Dream House A fake company that somehow nearly sponsored a bowl anyway Yes, I still believe in Dream House New Mexico
Duck Commander Yeti coolers A jug full of Yeti coolers full of smaller Yeti coolers, all the way down Independence
DXL Clothes for plus-size gentlemen Yes, in special plus-size jug Frisco
EA Sports NCAA Football 14 discs No, if student-athletes drink it, they'll taste pure capitalism Vegas
EagleBank Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Military
Elk Grove Village Elk Grove Village, Illinois No Bahamas
EV1 dot net Internet access No, not a physical object Houston
FedEx Shipping No, but we could ship the jug itself Orange
Fiesta A fiesta Sure, why not Fiesta
First Responder First responders Hmm, perhaps a small service animal, carefully placed within First Responder
Fort Worth Fort Worth No Fort Worth (1920)
Foster Farms Chickens Yes Santa Clara
Franklin American Mortgage Bank stuff No, though I suppose you can almost literally dump debt on a person Music City
Freedom Freedom No, not a physical object Anaheim (1984-1994)
Frisco Frisco No Frisco
galleryfurnitire dot com Tables and so forth No Houston
Garden State The Garden State No New Jersey (1978-1981)
Gator Baby alligators Yes, with gentle care Gator
Gaylord Hotels A hotel room No Music City
GEICO Insurance No, no bank stuff Vegas
Gildan Unmarked undercover underwear Yes, detective drawers will fit. Who's askin' New Mexico
GMAC Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Mobile
GoDaddy dot com Website URLs No, not a physical object Mobile
Goodyear Tires Nah Cotton
Gotham Batman comic books Yes New York City (1961-62)
Great Lakes The Great Lakes No Cleveland (1947)
Harbor A harbor No San Diego (1946-1948)
Hawaii Hawaii No Hawaii
Holiday Holidays No, not a physical object Holiday
homepoint dot com Tables and so forth No Music City
Houston Houston No Houston (2000-05)
Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois Corn Yes Corn (1947-55, Illinois)
Hyundai Hyundai Elantra No Sun
IBM OS/2 An operating system I guess CD-ROMs could come tumbling out Fiesta
Independence Independence No, not a physical object Independence
Insight dot com Invisible computer stuff No Copper/etc.
International Most of earth No Toronto (2006-09)
Jared Jewelry Yes Birmingham
Jeep Jeeps No Aloha/Oahu/Seattle
John Hancock Insurance No, no bank stuff Sun
Konica Minolta Cameras Yes Gator
Kraft American cheese slices Yes Santa Clara
Las Vegas Las Vegas No Las Vegas
LendingTree Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Mobile
Liberty Liberty No, not a physical object Liberty
Little Caesars Pizza Yes Detroit
Lockheed Martin The money-pit F-35 boondoggle scam Yes, a jug full of magic paint that stops working if the plane flies Armed Forces
Los Angeles Christmas Los Angeles (late December) No Los Angeles (1924)
MAACO Car paint Yes Vegas
magicJack USB dongles Yes St. Pete/Tampa
MainStay A hotel room No Independence
Marmot Jackets You could cram a few in, sure Boca Raton
MasterCard Credit cards Yes Alamo
Mazda Mazda CX-5 No Gator/Blockbuster
Meineke Car Care Motor oil Yes Charlotte/Houston
Mercy Mercy No, no mercy Los Angeles (1961, 1971)
Miami Beach Miami Beach No Miami (2014-16)
Michigan Cherry Committee Cherries Yes Detroit
MicronPC dot com Government computers No, they are bankrupt government computers Blockbuster/etc.
Military The United States military No Military
Mitsubishi Mitsubishi Outlander No Vegas/Mirage (Tokyo)
Mobil Motor oil Yes Cotton
Motel 6 A motel room No Copper/etc.
Music City Nashville, Tennesse No Music City
National University Online university No Holiday
New Era Hats Yes Pinstripe
New Mexico New Mexico No New Mexico
New Orleans New Orleans No New Orleans
Nokia Phones Yes Sugar
Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit stealth bomber No Military
Northwestern Mutual Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Rose
Norwest Bank Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Sun
NOVA Home Loans Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Arizona
Oil Oil Yes Houston (1943-1946)
Orange Oranges Yes Orange
Ourhouse dot com Hammers Yes Citrus
Outback Either bloomin' onions or coconut shrimp, victor's choice Yes Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame
Overton's Lake rafts Deflated, yes Citrus
Pacific Life Insurance No, no bank stuff Holiday
Papajohns dot com Digital pizza No Birmingham
Peach Peaches Yes Peach
PetroSun Fuel Yes Independence
Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs Salad Yes Phoenix (1948-1955)
Pineapple Pineapples Yes Honolulu (1939-1951)
Pioneer PureVision TVs No Vegas
PlainsCapital Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Armed Forces/Dallas
Playstation Playstations Yes Fiesta
Playstation 2 Playstation 2s Yes Rose
Plymouth PLYMOUTH PROWLERS Wow, no Holiday
Poi A Hawaiian dish made from taro root Yes Honolulu (1935-1938)
Poinsettia Poinesttias Yes San Diego (2005-16)
Popeyes Fried chicken Yes Bahamas
Potato French fries Yes, evidently Potato
Poulan Weed Eater Weed eaters Disassembled, I guess Independence
Presidential Cup A trophy Too lame to consider. Next Maryland (1950)
Progressive Insurance No, no bank stuff Gator
Quick Lane Motor oil Yes Detroit
R+L Carriers Shipping No, but we could ship the jug itself New Orleans
Raycom Media Ancient ACC basketball and SEC football broadcasts We'll find a way Camellia
Redbox DVDs Yes Santa Clara
Roady's Gasoline Yes Potato
Rose Roses Yes Rose
Royal Purple Industrial lube Oh that'll fit ....... anywhere Vegas
Russell Athletic Sweatshirts Yes Blockbuster/etc.
Salad Salad Yes Phoenix (1947-1951)
San Diego County Credit Union Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Holiday/Poinsettia
Sanford Rubbermaid All hail the jugmakers Independence
Sea World Sea World No Holiday
Seattle Seattle No Seattle (2001-2002)
Sega Sports NFL 2K on Dreamcast Yes Vegas
Servpro Cleanup servies No, not a physical object Dallas
Sheraton A hotel room No Hawaii
Shrine A shrine I suppose so Little Rock (1948-49)
Silicon Valley What? No? San Jose (2000-04)
SoFi Student loans No, no bank stuff Hawaii
Southwestern Bell Phone stuff No Cotton
St. Jude Good deeds No, this is college football Liberty
Sugar Sugar Yes Sugar
Sun The sun Only one way to find out Sun
Sunkist Sunkist Yes Fiesta
Sylvania German lightbulbs Why did this happen Alamo
TaxSlayer Tax stuff No, no bank stuff Gator
Texas Texas Officer, in this jug, is Texas being detained? Is Texas being detained? Houston
The Aloha Shriners Shriner hats? Sure Shrine (1941, Honolulu)
Thrifty Car Rental Cars that you didn't buy, yet are driving anyway No, not until the NCAA looks away Holiday
TicketCity Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game Yes Copper/Dallas
TicketSmarter Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game Yes Birmingham
Tony the Tiger Frosted flakes (unfair, should be tigers, but grandfathered in) Yes, evidently Sun
Tostitos Chips Yes Fiesta
Toyota Toyota Camry No Gator
Tropical Smoothie A smoothie Yes, evidently Frisco
uDrove Some sort of trucker app No Potato
USF&G Insurance No, no bank stuff Sugar
Valero Gasoline Yes Alamo
Vitalis Hair tonic Yes, please dump this all over your coach's barren scalp Sun
Vizio TVs No Fiesta/Rose
VRBO A hotel house No Citrus
Walk-On's Cajundillas Yes Independence
Weiser Lock Doorknobs (what the fuck) Yes, but what the fuck Copper/etc.
Wells Fargo Bank stuff No, no bank stuff Sun
Wyndham A hotel room No New Orleans
Zaxby's Astronomically salt-shellacked chicken tenderz No. Salt bloat. Tenderz expand until jug explodez Dallas

Hmm, the sport with minimally compensated labor sure does ingest a lot of money from banks. Weird!

Now let’s whittle this big list down to just the top 10 greatest coach-dousing materials to ever hit bowl season.

Orderly process, as follows. I won’t re-paste the spreadsheet anew after each round — just at the end.

Onward! I’m cutting the list down to only items that could definitely be dunked on a football coach from within a jug. I’ve also discarded borderline items like baby animals, things we’d have to disassemble, and so forth.

That cuts the list from 203 down to only 86.

Let’s also get rid of duplicates. If there’s ever been another bowl with the exact same prop, then it’s not all that fun of a prop, now is it?

I’m being aggressive here.

For example, all chicken-based items besides Popeyes have got to go. I eliminated all decorative plants besides the Rose. Orange Bowl, you’re out, because the Citrus Bowl already includes all of you and then some.

Most remaining technology brands will be represented by magicJack dongles. I feel this goes without saying. All clothes are represented by Russell Athletic, the funniest clothing brand you could dump on someone in celebration.

When in doubt, as with the huge pool of liquid fuel, I went with the most college football-sounding brand (Quick Lane, obviously).

We’re down to 44.

To be clear, all of you other bowls can and should still douse millionaire coaches for my entertainment. You’re just not currently in the running for Best Bowl Object To Slam Into A Coach’s Head.

Now I’m making ruthless cuts.

Konica Minolta, I would love to watch cameras bounce off a football coach’s skull and then watch his players pick them up and take pictures of him rubbing his head like a cartoon character, but you’ve missed the cut.

Hammers and doorknobs would be a little too much cartoon-violence comedy.

Brut cologne, you’re out, because the smell comedy would not translate through my screen.

Here are the top 10 best coach-dousing bowl sponsor items of all time.

That’s not true. It’s a top 14. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any of these.

The Coach-Splattering Bowl Sponsor Hall of Fame

Sponsor Dunk item Bowl
Sponsor Dunk item Bowl
Bacardi Rum, we've decided Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946)
CompUSA Screaming AOL modems, all shrieking at once like a hive of banshee dive bombers Citrus
Domino's Pizza Pizza Copper/etc.
Gotham Batman comic books New York City (1961-62)
Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois A shower of corn kernels, getting stuck in his clothes and orifices forever Corn (1947-55, Illinois)
MAACO Car paint, in your team's colors (so he can't leave for the Coastal Carolina job) Vegas
Outback Bloomin' onions, 2,000-calorie warhead payloads Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame
Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs Salad lmao Phoenix (1948-1955)
Pineapple Pineapples, the fruit that bonks and bites Honolulu (1939-1951)
Rose Roses, because Coach will appear ready for a romantic postgame with his partner RIGHT NOW! [Vince McMahon collapse GIF] Rose
Royal Purple Industrial lube (same as above) Vegas
Sanford Jugs falling out of jugs, preferably bottomless, creating time loop Independence
Sylvania German lightbulbs Alamo
Vitalis Hair tonic, but only if it works immediately and turns Coach into a Sasquatch before our eyes Sun

Alright, that’s the post.

For more brilliant bowl games coverage, review our ranking of the dumbest bowl names ever, the weirdest moment in each bowl’s history, a list of 23 excuses for losing a bowl, and your reminder that all of this is the Rose Bowl’s fault.