On December 20, 2019 in Frisco, Texas, inspiration struck. Also striking: a kale smoothie all over the body of victorious Kent State head coach Sean Lewis.
The game was sponsored by Tropical Smoothie Cafe, you see.
This happened on the first day of bowl season. So of course it was followed by that year’s Potato ...
... and Cheez-It ...
... and that Frosted Flakes fusillade at the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.
The viewing public saw all of this and agreed that it was good.
As with all good ideas: if a little bit is good, then more would be better, and ALL OF IT would be best.
Let’s begin. Because not all of these are obviously connected to a specific item, I assigned most of them one of their most popular products. We must also judge whether the item exists in our three physical dimensions and can fit within a regulation liquid jug. Also, I’ve mixed together both bowl names (like “Rose”) and bowl sponsors (like “Vizio”), so several will overlap.
(If the table below isn’t showing for you on Google AMP or Apple News or whatever, click here to see the actual article version.)
Just about every major FBS bowl sponsor and/or name ever, scrutinized by whether that sponsor/name product could be dunked from a jug onto a coach’s head
|Sponsor||Dunk item||Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug?||Bowl|
|Sponsor||Dunk item||Will it fit in a regular Gatorade/Powerade jug?||Bowl|
|Academy Sports + Outdoors||Footballs!||Yes||Houston|
|Advocare V100||Candy vitamins||Yes||Independence/Houston|
|All-American||All-Americans||No, not even Darren Sproles||Birmingham (1982-2000)|
|Allstate||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Sugar|
|American General||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Music City|
|Aviation||Mastery of flight, dreams of touching heavens, etc.||No, not a physical object||Dayton (1961)|
|AXA||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Liberty|
|Bacardi||They weren't referring to rum at the time, but let's say rum||Yes||Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946)|
|Bad Boy Mowers||Compact Outlaw||No, not compact enough||St. Pete/Tampa|
|BattleFrog||It's a series of obstacle courses, but literal fighting frogs would fit||Yes, channel their warlike nature into loyal guardfrogs||Fiesta|
|BBVA Compass||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Birmingham|
|Beef 'O' Brady's||Bar food that used to have insane names||Yes||St. Pete/Tampa|
|Bell Helicopter||UH-1Y "Super Huey" Venom||No||Armed Forces|
|Bitcoin||Pretend internet money||No, is fake||St. Pete/Tampa|
|Blockbuster||World's last Blockbuster Video (in Oregon)||No||Blockbuster/etc.|
|Boca Raton||Boca Raton||No||Boca Raton|
|Breast Cancer Research Foundation||Hey, just donate||Hey, just donate||Cure|
|Bridgepoint Education||For-profit university||No, student-athletes already deal with these||Holiday|
|Bridgestone||Tires||Not really, without modifications||Music City|
|Brut||Cologne||Yes, make your coach smell like an elevator||Sun|
|Buffalo Wild Wings||Chicken wings||Yes||Citrus/Copper|
|Capital One||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Orange/Citrus|
|Celebration||Celebrations||No, not a physical object||Celebration|
|Charity||Charity||No, not a physical object||Los Angeles (1937)|
|Cheribundi Tart Cherry||Cherry juice||Yes||Boca Raton|
|Citi||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Rose|
|CompUSA||Screaming AOL modems||Yes||Citrus|
|ConAgra Foods||Slim Jims||AWW YEEEEAH!||Hawaii|
|Continental Tire||Tires||No, some tires could fit, not but contintental ones||Charlotte|
|Crucial dot com||Memory cards||A shower of information upon the mind!||Potato|
|Culligan||Water||Actually, yes, water would fit in a jug||Holiday|
|Cure||Cures||I don't know||Cure|
|Delta||The Mississippi Delta||No||Memphis (1947-48)|
|Dixie||Dixie||No||Birmingham (1947-48), Dallas (1921, 1924, 1933)|
|Dollar General||Everything||No, "everything" is big||Mobile|
|Dream House||A fake company that somehow nearly sponsored a bowl anyway||Yes, I still believe in Dream House||New Mexico|
|Duck Commander||Yeti coolers||A jug full of Yeti coolers full of smaller Yeti coolers, all the way down||Independence|
|DXL||Clothes for plus-size gentlemen||Yes, in special plus-size jug||Frisco|
|EA Sports||NCAA Football 14 discs||No, if student-athletes drink it, they'll taste pure capitalism||Vegas|
|EagleBank||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Military|
|Elk Grove Village||Elk Grove Village, Illinois||No||Bahamas|
|EV1 dot net||Internet access||No, not a physical object||Houston|
|FedEx||Shipping||No, but we could ship the jug itself||Orange|
|Fiesta||A fiesta||Sure, why not||Fiesta|
|First Responder||First responders||Hmm, perhaps a small service animal, carefully placed within||First Responder|
|Fort Worth||Fort Worth||No||Fort Worth (1920)|
|Foster Farms||Chickens||Yes||Santa Clara|
|Franklin American Mortgage||Bank stuff||No, though I suppose you can almost literally dump debt on a person||Music City|
|Freedom||Freedom||No, not a physical object||Anaheim (1984-1994)|
|galleryfurnitire dot com||Tables and so forth||No||Houston|
|Garden State||The Garden State||No||New Jersey (1978-1981)|
|Gator||Baby alligators||Yes, with gentle care||Gator|
|Gaylord Hotels||A hotel room||No||Music City|
|GEICO||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Vegas|
|Gildan||Unmarked undercover underwear||Yes, detective drawers will fit. Who's askin'||New Mexico|
|GMAC||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Mobile|
|GoDaddy dot com||Website URLs||No, not a physical object||Mobile|
|Gotham||Batman comic books||Yes||New York City (1961-62)|
|Great Lakes||The Great Lakes||No||Cleveland (1947)|
|Harbor||A harbor||No||San Diego (1946-1948)|
|Holiday||Holidays||No, not a physical object||Holiday|
|homepoint dot com||Tables and so forth||No||Music City|
|Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois||Corn||Yes||Corn (1947-55, Illinois)|
|IBM OS/2||An operating system||I guess CD-ROMs could come tumbling out||Fiesta|
|Independence||Independence||No, not a physical object||Independence|
|Insight dot com||Invisible computer stuff||No||Copper/etc.|
|International||Most of earth||No||Toronto (2006-09)|
|John Hancock||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Sun|
|Kraft||American cheese slices||Yes||Santa Clara|
|Las Vegas||Las Vegas||No||Las Vegas|
|LendingTree||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Mobile|
|Liberty||Liberty||No, not a physical object||Liberty|
|Lockheed Martin||The money-pit F-35 boondoggle scam||Yes, a jug full of magic paint that stops working if the plane flies||Armed Forces|
|Los Angeles Christmas||Los Angeles (late December)||No||Los Angeles (1924)|
|magicJack||USB dongles||Yes||St. Pete/Tampa|
|MainStay||A hotel room||No||Independence|
|Marmot||Jackets||You could cram a few in, sure||Boca Raton|
|Meineke Car Care||Motor oil||Yes||Charlotte/Houston|
|Mercy||Mercy||No, no mercy||Los Angeles (1961, 1971)|
|Miami Beach||Miami Beach||No||Miami (2014-16)|
|Michigan Cherry Committee||Cherries||Yes||Detroit|
|MicronPC dot com||Government computers||No, they are bankrupt government computers||Blockbuster/etc.|
|Military||The United States military||No||Military|
|Mitsubishi||Mitsubishi Outlander||No||Vegas/Mirage (Tokyo)|
|Motel 6||A motel room||No||Copper/etc.|
|Music City||Nashville, Tennesse||No||Music City|
|National University||Online university||No||Holiday|
|New Mexico||New Mexico||No||New Mexico|
|New Orleans||New Orleans||No||New Orleans|
|Northrop Grumman||B-2 Spirit stealth bomber||No||Military|
|Northwestern Mutual||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Rose|
|Norwest Bank||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Sun|
|NOVA Home Loans||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Arizona|
|Ourhouse dot com||Hammers||Yes||Citrus|
|Outback||Either bloomin' onions or coconut shrimp, victor's choice||Yes||Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame|
|Overton's||Lake rafts||Deflated, yes||Citrus|
|Pacific Life||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Holiday|
|Papajohns dot com||Digital pizza||No||Birmingham|
|Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs||Salad||Yes||Phoenix (1948-1955)|
|PlainsCapital||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Armed Forces/Dallas|
|Playstation 2||Playstation 2s||Yes||Rose|
|Plymouth||PLYMOUTH PROWLERS||Wow, no||Holiday|
|Poi||A Hawaiian dish made from taro root||Yes||Honolulu (1935-1938)|
|Poinsettia||Poinesttias||Yes||San Diego (2005-16)|
|Potato||French fries||Yes, evidently||Potato|
|Poulan Weed Eater||Weed eaters||Disassembled, I guess||Independence|
|Presidential Cup||A trophy||Too lame to consider. Next||Maryland (1950)|
|Progressive||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Gator|
|Quick Lane||Motor oil||Yes||Detroit|
|R+L Carriers||Shipping||No, but we could ship the jug itself||New Orleans|
|Raycom Media||Ancient ACC basketball and SEC football broadcasts||We'll find a way||Camellia|
|Royal Purple||Industrial lube||Oh that'll fit ....... anywhere||Vegas|
|San Diego County Credit Union||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Holiday/Poinsettia|
|Sanford||Rubbermaid||All hail the jugmakers||Independence|
|Sea World||Sea World||No||Holiday|
|Sega Sports||NFL 2K on Dreamcast||Yes||Vegas|
|Servpro||Cleanup servies||No, not a physical object||Dallas|
|Sheraton||A hotel room||No||Hawaii|
|Shrine||A shrine||I suppose so||Little Rock (1948-49)|
|Silicon Valley||What?||No?||San Jose (2000-04)|
|SoFi||Student loans||No, no bank stuff||Hawaii|
|Southwestern Bell||Phone stuff||No||Cotton|
|St. Jude||Good deeds||No, this is college football||Liberty|
|Sun||The sun||Only one way to find out||Sun|
|Sylvania||German lightbulbs||Why did this happen||Alamo|
|TaxSlayer||Tax stuff||No, no bank stuff||Gator|
|Texas||Texas||Officer, in this jug, is Texas being detained? Is Texas being detained?||Houston|
|The Aloha Shriners||Shriner hats?||Sure||Shrine (1941, Honolulu)|
|Thrifty Car Rental||Cars that you didn't buy, yet are driving anyway||No, not until the NCAA looks away||Holiday|
|TicketCity||Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game||Yes||Copper/Dallas|
|TicketSmarter||Tickets to events, such as this very bowl game||Yes||Birmingham|
|Tony the Tiger||Frosted flakes (unfair, should be tigers, but grandfathered in)||Yes, evidently||Sun|
|Tropical Smoothie||A smoothie||Yes, evidently||Frisco|
|uDrove||Some sort of trucker app||No||Potato|
|USF&G||Insurance||No, no bank stuff||Sugar|
|Vitalis||Hair tonic||Yes, please dump this all over your coach's barren scalp||Sun|
|VRBO||A hotel house||No||Citrus|
|Weiser Lock||Doorknobs (what the fuck)||Yes, but what the fuck||Copper/etc.|
|Wells Fargo||Bank stuff||No, no bank stuff||Sun|
|Wyndham||A hotel room||No||New Orleans|
|Zaxby's||Astronomically salt-shellacked chicken tenderz||No. Salt bloat. Tenderz expand until jug explodez||Dallas|
Hmm, the sport with minimally compensated labor sure does ingest a lot of money from banks. Weird!
Now let’s whittle this big list down to just the top 10 greatest coach-dousing materials to ever hit bowl season.
Orderly process, as follows. I won’t re-paste the spreadsheet anew after each round — just at the end.
Onward! I’m cutting the list down to only items that could definitely be dunked on a football coach from within a jug. I’ve also discarded borderline items like baby animals, things we’d have to disassemble, and so forth.
That cuts the list from 203 down to only 86.
Let’s also get rid of duplicates. If there’s ever been another bowl with the exact same prop, then it’s not all that fun of a prop, now is it?
I’m being aggressive here.
For example, all chicken-based items besides Popeyes have got to go. I eliminated all decorative plants besides the Rose. Orange Bowl, you’re out, because the Citrus Bowl already includes all of you and then some.
Most remaining technology brands will be represented by magicJack dongles. I feel this goes without saying. All clothes are represented by Russell Athletic, the funniest clothing brand you could dump on someone in celebration.
When in doubt, as with the huge pool of liquid fuel, I went with the most college football-sounding brand (Quick Lane, obviously).
We’re down to 44.
To be clear, all of you other bowls can and should still douse millionaire coaches for my entertainment. You’re just not currently in the running for Best Bowl Object To Slam Into A Coach’s Head.
Now I’m making ruthless cuts.
Konica Minolta, I would love to watch cameras bounce off a football coach’s skull and then watch his players pick them up and take pictures of him rubbing his head like a cartoon character, but you’ve missed the cut.
Hammers and doorknobs would be a little too much cartoon-violence comedy.
Brut cologne, you’re out, because the smell comedy would not translate through my screen.
Here are the top 10 best coach-dousing bowl sponsor items of all time.
That’s not true. It’s a top 14. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any of these.
The Coach-Splattering Bowl Sponsor Hall of Fame
|Bacardi||Rum, we've decided||Havana, Cuba (periodically between 1907 and 1946)|
|CompUSA||Screaming AOL modems, all shrieking at once like a hive of banshee dive bombers||Citrus|
|Gotham||Batman comic books||New York City (1961-62)|
|Hybrid Seed Corn Breeders of Illinois||A shower of corn kernels, getting stuck in his clothes and orifices forever||Corn (1947-55, Illinois)|
|MAACO||Car paint, in your team's colors (so he can't leave for the Coastal Carolina job)||Vegas|
|Outback||Bloomin' onions, 2,000-calorie warhead payloads||Outback/Gator/Hall of Fame|
|Phoenix-area Kiwanis clubs||Salad lmao||Phoenix (1948-1955)|
|Pineapple||Pineapples, the fruit that bonks and bites||Honolulu (1939-1951)|
|Rose||Roses, because Coach will appear ready for a romantic postgame with his partner RIGHT NOW! [Vince McMahon collapse GIF]||Rose|
|Royal Purple||Industrial lube (same as above)||Vegas|
|Sanford||Jugs falling out of jugs, preferably bottomless, creating time loop||Independence|
|Vitalis||Hair tonic, but only if it works immediately and turns Coach into a Sasquatch before our eyes||Sun|
Alright, that’s the post.
For more brilliant bowl games coverage, review our ranking of the dumbest bowl names ever, the weirdest moment in each bowl’s history, a list of 23 excuses for losing a bowl, and your reminder that all of this is the Rose Bowl’s fault.