203 bowl game sponsors throughout history, graded by Coach Dunkability

On December 20, 2019 in Frisco, Texas, inspiration struck. Also striking: a kale smoothie all over the body of victorious Kent State head coach Sean Lewis.

ESPN

The game was sponsored by Tropical Smoothie Cafe, you see.

This happened on the first day of bowl season. So of course it was followed by that year’s Potato ...

Darin Oswald/Idaho Statesman/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

... and Cheez-It ...

Trevor Cokley, U.S. Air Force Academy

... and that Frosted Flakes fusillade at the Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl.

The viewing public saw all of this and agreed that it was good.

As with all good ideas: if a little bit is good, then more would be better, and ALL OF IT would be best.

Let’s begin. Because not all of these are obviously connected to a specific item, I assigned most of them one of their most popular products. We must also judge whether the item exists in our three physical dimensions and can fit within a regulation liquid jug. Also, I’ve mixed together both bowl names (like “Rose”) and bowl sponsors (like “Vizio”), so several will overlap.

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Hmm, the sport with minimally compensated labor sure does ingest a lot of money from banks. Weird!

Now let’s whittle this big list down to just the top 10 greatest coach-dousing materials to ever hit bowl season.

Orderly process, as follows. I won’t re-paste the spreadsheet anew after each round — just at the end.

Onward! I’m cutting the list down to only items that could definitely be dunked on a football coach from within a jug. I’ve also discarded borderline items like baby animals, things we’d have to disassemble, and so forth.

That cuts the list from 203 down to only 86.

Let’s also get rid of duplicates. If there’s ever been another bowl with the exact same prop, then it’s not all that fun of a prop, now is it?

I’m being aggressive here.

For example, all chicken-based items besides Popeyes have got to go. I eliminated all decorative plants besides the Rose. Orange Bowl, you’re out, because the Citrus Bowl already includes all of you and then some.

Most remaining technology brands will be represented by magicJack dongles. I feel this goes without saying. All clothes are represented by Russell Athletic, the funniest clothing brand you could dump on someone in celebration.

When in doubt, as with the huge pool of liquid fuel, I went with the most college football-sounding brand (Quick Lane, obviously).

We’re down to 44.

To be clear, all of you other bowls can and should still douse millionaire coaches for my entertainment. You’re just not currently in the running for Best Bowl Object To Slam Into A Coach’s Head.

Now I’m making ruthless cuts.

Konica Minolta, I would love to watch cameras bounce off a football coach’s skull and then watch his players pick them up and take pictures of him rubbing his head like a cartoon character, but you’ve missed the cut.

Hammers and doorknobs would be a little too much cartoon-violence comedy.

Brut cologne, you’re out, because the smell comedy would not translate through my screen.

Here are the top 10 best coach-dousing bowl sponsor items of all time.

That’s not true. It’s a top 14. I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of any of these.

Alright, that’s the post.

For more brilliant bowl games coverage, review our ranking of the dumbest bowl names ever, the weirdest moment in each bowl’s history, a list of 23 excuses for losing a bowl, and your reminder that all of this is the Rose Bowl’s fault.