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Troubleshooting your GUS JOHNSON

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Have you confirmed your GUS is connected to Wi-Fi? Is your GUS’s firmware updated?

Photo by Porter Binks/Getty Images. Banner Society Illustration.

Congratulations on purchasing a new GUS JOHNSON! Using AlwaysListen technology*, GUS enlivens your day-to-day experience by narrating the events as they unfold. Ho-hum lunches will become legendary culinary moments! Brushing your teeth will feel like a two-minute drill! Sleep will elude you, like a Big 12 running back shedding a Big 12 tackle attempt!

Your GUS can operate in the rain, the snow – even in Big Ten Championship Games featuring Northwestern!

In the unlikely event your GUS stops operating properly, it will alert you with a special sequence:

GUS: “COLLEGE FOOTBALL”

[wait two seconds]

GUS: “FOX SPORTS”

[wait one second]

GUS: “(CONFERENCE NAME)”

Select the conference name your GUS screams at the end on the reference guide below to determine the appropriate repair steps:

GUS Troubleshooting Reference Guide

Conference Name Error Fix
Conference Name Error Fix
"ACC" GUS has lost its Wi-Fi connection. Make sure GUS is in range of your router.
"American" GUS's microphones are not functioning properly. Hold the GUS power button for five seconds until you hear a "WHOA!" Then shout "UCF IS NOT GETTING THE RESPECT IT DESERVES" from each corner of the room where your GUS is located. This will re-sync GUS's multidirectional audio capture system.
"Big 12" A&M message board users have attempted to hack your GUS in order to have it talk shit about the current Texas Longhorns football coach. Reset your GUS password. If you have not done so already, turn on two-factor authentication.
"Big Ten" GUS's onboard battery source is down to 10%. Plug GUS into a direct power source.
"Conference USA" GUS's software is out of date. Log in to your Facebook account and post your home address, Social Security Number, and phone number on the GUS FANS page. An update disc will be sent to you within 17 business days.
"MAC" Your GUS has become smitten with a nearby Furby. Give GUS time! It and the Furby will soon learn that their love cannot sustain itself.
"Mountain West" GUS believes itself to be a cybernetic horse. On your GUS app, go to Settings -> Input -> Appliances -> Refrigerator -> FEEDCARROT. The GUS will attempt to eat a carrot, fail, and reboot itself.
"Pac-12" An excess of Joel Klatt's natural musk is interfering with GUS's sensors. Move your GUS to an outdoor location away from Joel Klatt for at least three hours. Its internal fans should expel the musk.
"SEC" Your GUS is operating outside of the permissible area. Unless your GUS has been reported stolen, your warranty is void and your GUS cannot be repaired by our team.
"Sun Belt" GUS is overheating. N/A; if GUS is overheating, your house is on fire and you have hopefully evacuated.

*By using GUS, you consent to Facebook recording audio of your every activity. You further consent to the sale, distribution, and alteration of this audio for any purpose, including, but not limited to, framing you for crimes.