The Wikipedia article entitled “List of Batman family enemies” is over 25,000 words long. We are not linking it here because 1) we believe in your ability to find things on the internet and 2) if we sent you there, you would be trapped in Bat-lore for months and we would miss you. Suffice it to say: Batman enjoys more than his share of interpersonal static. Never forget: Batman fought Predator.
With so many Batman villains, it’s hard to identify a single rule or pattern behind their names. Nevertheless, there are a few recurring types:
- Nominative Determinants: Edward Nygma becomes The Riddler. Dr. Victor Fries becomes Mr. Freeze. Julian Gregory Day becomes Calendar Man.
- Mobster-ass Mobsters: These are the villains with names that would be derided as too over-the-top to be tertiary characters on “The Sopranos.” They include Rex Calabrese, Salvatore Maroni, and Tony Zucco.
- The Easily Googleable: Names that are neither elaborately ganglandy nor pointing towards the nameholder’s future villainy but are almost absurd in their uniqueness. This category includes Oswald Cobblepot, Jervis Tetch, and Basil Karlo.
Another long article we won’t burden you with reading is the history of the Tennessee-Georgia football rivalry, a mostly-boring series we are attempting to repair via this very website. UGA-UT is not a series overburdened with interesting games. It is, however, a pair of schools with a roster of starting quarterbacks that could pass for a rogue’s gallery of minor D.C. Comics antagonists. In celebration of Batman Fridays, … look, you know why you’re here at this point.
The collected history of Tennessee and Georgia quarterback names most suited to Batman villainy here follows, in ascending order with appended notes where necessary. Have a great weekend, and look alive out there (not you, Batman’s parents!).
30. Bubba Wyche: Zydeco Batman was a strange direction for the comic book, and one that was not well-received by fans.
29. Daryl Dickey: Nothing a classic comic loves more than alliteration.
28. Eric Zeier: Known on the streets as “Eric,” which, naturally, is where all the trouble started.
27. Edmund Raymond “Zeke” Bratkowski
26. Mike Bobo: Failure to establish the run can get you fired in football. In Gotham City, it can get you dead.
25. Art Galiffa
24. Johnny Monahan: In lieu of alliteration, we will also accept an overabundance of assonance.
23. Billy Harkness: Vampire hunter who’s after Batman for what should be abundantly clear reasons.
22. D. C. Chapman: Known by day as mild-mannered journalist “Steven Godfrey.”
21. Richard Von Albade Gammon: Vampire.
20. Charlie Treadaway: Can merge into any natural surface.
19. Quinten Dormady: Major “former private school roommate carrying a decades-long grudge over something incredibly small” energy.
18. J.T. Shrout
17. Larry Rakestraw: After Batman shuts down the course where he works (the drink cart was a money laundering front), Larry Rakestraw becomes THE MARSHAL, a minor supervillain obsessed with enforcing the rules of golf.
16. Hafford Hay
15. Atlee Alan Cockrell: Werewolf.
14. Jeff Pyburn
13. Buck Hatcher: Either deer-themed or submarine-themed. Maybe both? Maybe he uses his submarine to kidnap Gotham’s deer population? This would not be the dumbest plan by a Batman villain ever.
12. Buzz Warren
11. Paul Kluk: Batman smelled the feathers left at the murder scene. “MOTHER HEN,” he growled to nobody in particular.
10. Sax Crawford: Jazz Vampire.
9. Benjamin Franklin “Buck” Belue
8. Walker Reynolds “Tick” Tichenor: You’d think he’d be a close compatriot of Belue. You’d be wrong.
7. Tyler Bray: We can all agree on this, surely.
6. D. J. Shockley: The inspiration for this exercise, and a name that has forever changed our perspective on the real-life Shockley. No longer is he the change-up QB whose valiant efforts couldn’t save Georgia from West Virginia in the Sugar Bowl. Now, he is the change-up QB whose valiant efforts couldn’t save Georgia from West Virginia in the Sugar Bowl but who could shoot lightning out of his fingertips at parties.
5. Sheldon Fitts
4. Condredge Holloway
3. Rufus Branch: Deranged librarian known simply as Late Fee. Easily defeated; all you do is say “well the library only has boring books” and he’ll go on for an hour about the other programs and services. (To be fair, Batman learned to crochet thanks to Gotham Public Library Crafternoons.)
2. Johnny Broadnax
1. Beattie Feathers: “But Doctor,” he moaned, “I am Beattie Feathers.”