• The listed construction date of this marvelous contraption is 2005. What is significant about this year in the world of Batman?
Warner Brothers released the first trailer for Batman Begins in August 2004, which declared the film would be released in “Summer 2005.” So I choose to imagine some cruise ship builder saw the trailer and got so fired up for the idea of a new Batman film that he abandoned everything – existing projects, family obligations, personal well-being and balance – to start work on his magnum opus, this floating monument to art and science and Batman.
• This ship sails under an Italian flag. Is Batman Italian?
No, because then that ruins our whole argument that Batman can run for President. But I am willing to believe that each country has its own Batman. Italy’s is called L’uomo dei Pipistrelli. He lives in Rome, wears a sleeveless Batsuit, and always fights crime on two (four) glasses of wine.
• The listing agent for this ship appears to be based in Florida. Is Italy the Florida of Europe?
For centuries, Italy gave the world enormous contributions in art, culture, and food while struggling under disorganized and/or malignant political structures. Similarly, Florida is the birthplace of Burger King and elected Ron DeSantis. So yes, Italy is the Florida of Europe.
• Is that supposed to be blood all over the sides of the boat?
The terms of the settlement preclude me from answering that question.
• Wait, is this actually meant for a Batman villain?
Look, those dolphins were trying to kill Batman. What happened to them was tragic but unavoidable and that’s really all I can say.
• There appear to be several onboard restaurant opportunities. What might a Batman-themed brass rail and fern buffet-style restaurant be branded? A piano bar? A food court? Please cite specific examples.
In order, O’Harleys, Poison Ivories, and a rotating combination of (counterclockwise order from port to starboard): Killer Guac (burritos), Gab’al Ghul (paninis), Blister Freeze (nitrogen fro-yo), Maxie Juice (not the smoothie bar you might expect, but a highly-regarded pho spot), The Griddler (Brazilian steakhouse), Au Bon Bane (fast casual breakfast), and Wheyface (that’s the juice bar).
• Please create an example slate of programming for a weeklong film festival in the onboard cinema. The catch: No DC Universe movies allowed.
Monday-Wednesday: Dogme95 retrospective
Thursday: Lethal Weapon Appreciation Night (movies 1-2 ONLY)
Friday-Saturday: All the Saw movies
Sunday: Mona Lisa Smile
• What would you name a Batman cruise ship gift shop?
Things Remembered Wistfully.
• The list price of the boat is equivalent to that of one (1) Jimbo Fisher contract at Texas A&M. Given the amount of interest he has likely accrued already via his salary to date, and given the prevalence of DC Universe-sounding names like BIFF, THWOP, and BLAMMO throughout Texas high school football and the surrounding Big 12 conference, what is Fisher’s excuse for not immediately purchasing this boat and parking it outside his home for recruiting purposes?
When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Texas A&M explained ruefully that the “helipad isn’t big enough” for Jimbo’s preferred luxury weekend conveyance to fit onboard.
• Batman has definitely gotten stuck in that ball pit at least twice chasing Joker, right?
You would think that, but surprisingly not yet! Bane, however, has trapped his own head inside the tube slide to the point of requiring professional disassembly of the entire apparatus. Twice.
*NB: Please note that for the purposes of this exercise, “boat” and “ship” are used interchangeably, because “ship” is not a very funny word outside the context of the CW television program “Supernatural.” We are aware that many of our readers will have strong opinions on this matter, and ask that you keep the resulting comments at a level of civility usually reserved for the day after the Egg Bowl. Please submit any further thoughts to @38Godfrey on Twitter.**
**NB = Note on Boats
Many thanks to intrepid reader J.D. Moore for alerting us to this vital development.