A Review of Various College Football Santas

My colleague of seven years, Brian Floyd, a Seattle resident dad, and fervent Washington State supporter, owns 4.5 holiday-themed inflatables. (The half represents a 12-foot tall holiday jiggler, better suited to a car lot, that he’s splitting with a neighbor.) I asked him to briefly explain the appeal of these decorations, as someone who doesn’t own any.

There’s something neat about watching silly yard inflatables bring kids joy — every night I hear kids screaming DRAGON! because I have a giant inflatable Christmas dragon. There’s also a community of inflatables in my neighborhood. We all get different types, and it’s varied all over (part of the strategy is finding unique inflatables). Plus, it’s cool to have giant things that blow up and light up your yard.

Floyd’s collection, however, is strictly fanbase-neutral. If that seems like an obvious statement to you, consider that this exists:

In a spin around the holiday retail internet, I have found 12 college football versions of this inflatable Santa (which also offers some pro sports options, in case life is so bad you think a Chicago Bears Santa will fix things. It will not, and it will probably lower your property value noticeably).

Allow me to review what each of these College Football Santas says about its owner, in the event you’re thinking of adding one to your front yard.

TEXAS A&M

Our family wears matching pajamas, and our Christmas celebration features a number of elaborate rituals that are very confusing to outsiders. I have no interest in changing or adapting them in any way. We don’t open gifts until Miss Rev poops on our front lawn, which means some years the presents stay wrapped until April.

OKLAHOMA

The holiday season is my family’s absolute favorite time of year. We love the crisp and cozy weather, the songs, the conference championships that conclude the regular season. In fact, wouldn’t it be great to live in the first three weeks of December all year long? Just basking in all that holiday spirit.

Anyways, no, we can’t make it to your New Year’s Eve party. Ever.

MICHIGAN

Welcome! Brady Hoke lives here, and he thinks Santa is his dad. Please do not say or do anything that would disabuse him of this notion, or suggest that he is not “Santa-in-waiting.”

Fun fact: this Santa is also displaying the number of years left on Jim Harbaugh’s contract!

CLEMSON

Our special holiday tradition starts in September, when we ask our children what presents they’d like this year. We then spend the next few months slipping newspaper clippings about what shitty kids they are underneath their doors. (The clippings are made by us on a special printer we got for this purpose; it really does look and feel like authentic newsprint!)

The children don’t really understand why the Washington Post is calling them lazy, entitled idiots who don’t deserve even the cheapest of stocking stuffers, but we just shrug and say “That’s the media for you.” And that motivates them to be on even better behavior.

Then we give them bikes or whatever they asked for.

GEORGIA

Do you ever stop and consider how Santa’s one of the most hard-working, generous, and kind people on this planet, but everyone else gets to reap the benefits? Do you wonder if that’s hard on Santa, spending decades without anyone giving him a new sled or a Lego set or a national championship trophy? I think about that. I think about that a lot.

iOWA

We like to take the classic “Twelve Days of Christmas” and make it our own every year. Usually it’s the 7 or 8 Days of Christmas and we just say the other days were lost. Sometimes we’ll bump it up to the 10 Days of Christmas, and one year we tried all twelve, but the Christmas tree fell over and nearly crushed Grandma, so we won’t be doing that again. Of course, we also leave out Santa’s favorite treats on Christmas Eve: cookies and a contract extension.

FLORIDA

I KNOW MY RIGHTS AND I DO NOT CONSENT TO A SEARCH OF THIS SACK. FURTHERMORE, AS A CITIZEN OF THE NORTH POLE I AM CLAIMING DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY, WHICH HAS THE LETTERS “D,” “U,” AND “I” IN IT, AND THEREFORE THIS ARREST IS INVALID, YOUR HIGHNESS.

TEXAS

We got our kids a pony for Christmas in 2016, but it doesn’t seem to make our children very happy. Obviously, there’s only one lesson to be learned here: it’s time to buy a more expensive pony.

OHIO STATE

We try to use the holidays to remind our kids that the world isn’t just about them, so, as a family, we spend December 26th finding kids on other Big Ten message boards and telling them how their presents suck compared to what Santa brought us.

PENN STATE

We live next door to the Ohio State Santa family and we’re Eagles fans. Probably gonna start leaving the country after Halloween.

LSU

Our family’s making the best of this year by insisting that most of it didn’t happen! LSU won the title on January 14, 2020, and then there were some celebratory moments, and whoops, whaddya know! We Groundhog Day’d ourselves right back to the start of the 2019 season! We’re pretty confident Georgia’s not going to win the SEC title this year, and LSU should do pretty well in the Playoffs. One of those things is true, so why not the other one?

ALABAMA

Beware! This house is haunted by the ghost of Harvey Updyke.