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All safety advice should be shouted at us by Ed Orgeron

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One government employee has never lied to me and has never failed to capture my attention.

Ed Orgeron Louisiana Department of Health. Banner Society Illustration.

When LSU’s football coach speaks, we indeed all listen.

The surface reason: His distinct thunderblast of a voice, complete with proud Cajun accent. No matter how many times you hear Coach O’s titanic instrument, you still cannot believe its power is allowed in our humble little universe.

A deeper reason: His command of this tool, wielded as a spur in the hide. “Makes me want to run through a brick wall” is the cliche we use in reference to any other coach’s pep talk. When Coach O brontosaurus-roars ONE TEAM ONE HEARTBEAT, the effect is more like this: I want to call the brick wall a fucking coward until it tries to run through me.

The core reason we all listen when Coach O speaks: Coach O has never lied to us, a rare feat for a government employee.

Even when he has failed, he has delivered on his promises. Many years ago at Ole Miss, he didn’t win many football games, but was that really the goal? At Ole Miss, he set out to get in lots of burly scuffles with fellow rowdy former boys. And did he not deliver?

But there’s one more reason he’s perfectly cut out for the role of Person Who Says Things We Need To Hear. At USC and LSU, Orgeron has demonstrated he’s willing to evolve, grow, and rearrange for the good of the program, a mindset that is a struggle even for regular weakling coaches who didn’t once boss around The Rock for four years at Miami.

LSU won 2019’s national title because Orgeron, a tough guy even by Former Strength Coach standards, hired a young guy to install a pretty, futuristic, aerial offense and help scrap 15 years of LSU military theory (this is the only way to describe Les Miles’ trench-warfare offenses).

This is crucial. Coach O will not just bellow you into action. He will bellow you into the correct action.

Look at this:

Coach O wants to kick the virus’ ass and make the virus beg for mercy, but he does not express this in the idiot mode preferred by true meatheads, who believe diseases are terrorists who hate us for our freedoms, who believe microbes have favorite political parties. Here, the brawling-est guy in the room repeats the advice handed down from the skinny nerds in lab coats. He makes sitting at home and not infecting people sound badass.

“I do believe that we have a winning plan. I do believe in the state of Louisiana. Hey, it’s gonna get tough the next two weeks. Come on. We tough. Bring it on. Let’s just follow the plan, do the things that we supposed to do, and I guarantee you, we will win.”

This strikes the soul no differently than did his “ROLL TIDE WHAT FUCK YOU” speech after defeating Alabama.

Imagine Coach O leading us through a zombie plague.

DA ZOMBIE HORDE RESPON MOSLY TA NOISE. STAY SILEN LIKAH WATUH MOCCASIN. Y’ALL GO ON GIT, IMA HOLLA MY ASS OFF N DRAW EM ALL MY WAY. ONLY SKINNY HALF-DEAD ASSHOLE EVER WHOOPED MY ASS IS NICK SABAN. HOW DAT TURN OUT FAH HIM?

We would survive. The zombies would not.

Imagine Coach O leading us through an alien invasion.

GOOD MAWNIN. GOOD MAWNIN.

IN BOUTANOUR OUR BIG BEAUTIFUL PLANES GON JOIN ALL DA OTHA PLANES, AND TOGETHA WE GON GIVE DEM ALIEN SOMBITCHES THE BIGGEST PLANE FIGHT PEOPLE EVA FOUGHT.

PEOPLE.

DAT WORD SOUND A LIL DIFFERENT TODAY. LISTEN THE FUCK UP. WE CAN’T WASTE TIME ON DUMBASS BULLSHIT NO MO. WE GOTTA COME TOGETHA. ONE TEAM ONE HEARTBEAT.

PERHAPS IT’S FATE DAT TODAY IS MARDI GRAS AND WE GON ONCE AGAIN PARTY WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD, NOT IN CLOSE PROXIMITY, BUT AT SAFE DISTANCES.

WE’RE PARTYIN FOR OUR RIGHT TO FIGHT. AND WE GON WHOOP SOME FUCKIN ASS. MARDI GRAS AIN’T NO LONGA GONNA BE JUSSA PARTY HOLIDAY, BUT ALSO GONNA BE THE DAY WHEN DA WHOLE WORLD BECAME FIGHTIN TIGERS AND HOLLERED IN ONE LOUDASS VOICE:

WE AIN’T GOIN QUIETLY INNA NO NIGHT. WE GET LOUD AS HELL AT NIGHT. NO MATTER TIME A DAY OR WHERE YOU AT ON DA EARTH, AS OF RIGHT FUCKIN NOW, IT IS SATADAY NIGHT IN DEATH VALLEY.

WE AIN’T GON VANISH WITHOUT WHOOPIN SOME FUCKIN ASS.

WE GONNA BE RIGHT BACK NEXT SEASON.

WE GON SURVIVE.

TODAY WE GON CELEBRATE ... MARDI GRAS.