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The time has come to unleash the geese

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Look to the skies for our salvation!

Photo by Jan Woitas/picture alliance via Getty Images. Banner Society Illustration.

The following post first appeared on the country’s finest college football newsletter. Subscribe!

We have learned that any effort to flatten the COVID-19 curve in the United States must account for one crucial demographic: dipshits. Dipshits are everywhere — if a bar or restaurant or gym or beach is open, they will flock to it, flouting public health advisories. They are not limited to one city or state or region. In many cases, the dipshits continue to move around the country freely while everyone else stays put.

(Worth noting: Mr. Sluder from the above video has since apologized and changed his tune, though we can’t rely on every dipshit getting dragged on social media to fix things.)

For the good of society, we must take decisive action against the dipshits and force them to disperse. But we shouldn’t rely on the police or the military, who would risk exposure to the virus if we put them on dipshit duty.

We need to call in the geese.

According to Fish and Wildlife Service estimates, there are approximately 5-6 million Canada geese in North America. As of now, there’s no evidence that birds can carry COVID-19. All we have to do is round them up into squadrons and deploy them wherever dipshits gather.

That fake Irish bar where the younds are packed in to pay too much for a whiskey sour? Closed, on account of unbearable honking and biting. The restaurant that’s defiantly stayed open to serve the olds who insist they’re not going to let some surgeon general ruin date night? HONK FLAP SHIT HONK CLOSED. The beaches? Friends, we’re gonna make The Birds look like a kids movie.

The dipshits will say this isn’t fair, that we’re infringing on their dipshit rights. They are welcome to sue the geese, because guess what happens when you try to depose a goose? That’s right: more honking and flapping and biting and pooping.

Better to just stay inside and avoid the geese altogether. Frustrating to have to deal with someone who won’t listen to reason, isn’t it, dipshits?