Hatin’ Ass Spurrier, COVID-19 edition

Auburn was the only program happy to get a CDC alert. They figured it meant the team had brought their grades up.

Corona means “crown” in Spanish, so Virginia Tech should be safe.

Won’t even have to tell Georgia Tech people to stay inside by themselves, will they?

Lotta confusion out there over how to do the whole social distancin’ thing. Here’s a helpful tip: just pretend you’re a Georgia defender facing second and 26.

Saw the governor of Mississippi say the other day they’re never gonna be China. He’s right; Ole Miss football could never plan anything five years out.

It’ll be easy for my Florida Gators. We been operating on a stay-at-home order for the better part of 50 years.

Love my Gamecocks, too, but if we have to rely on someone taking it to the house for grocery delivery, we’ll all starve.

I heard when they told Will Muschamp about COVID-19 he said, “Naw, you can’t have that many defenders on the field.”

Florida’s putting their faith in a Ron again, huh?

Hate these mixed messages. Do you want UNC to manipulate the curve or not?

Kentucky’s the safest state because they ain’t passing or catching anything.

Ole Miss saw the government offering everybody $1,200 and upped it to $1,300.

They say we gotta avoid taking vacation trips. Must be why Mizzou stayed home all bowl season.

Got a long way to go to catch Kansas, though. They’ve stayed at home for 11 straight years now.

I know we’re tellin’ people to stay home so we have a chance at football season happenin’, but have we considered that might be encouraging Clay Helton to start coughing on people?

Notre Dame’s not on Zoom because it would mean joining a conference.

Someone tell Bama rental cars won’t keep their hands clean this time.

You want an easy way to get folks in Knoxville to go home? Tell ‘em it’s the fourth quarter of a home game.

Heard all that talk about N95 and assumed people were asking, “when was Tennessee good at football?”

Folks in charge said everything was gonna go fine, and then two months later, everything fell apart. We talking about a pandemic or a Texas season?

How can Brian Kelly even tell if he’s got a fever?

Ain’t seen a run on ass wipe like this since both Petrinos got jobs.

Coronavirus shut down the state of Ohio so quick, Jim Harbaugh’s gotta be gettin’ nervous.

Wait til Oklahoma finds out about the Defense Production Act.

Simple rule: if you were alive for Minnesota’s last national title, you’re dang sure in a vulnerable population.

Best way to keep Chip Kelly away from coronavirus? Tell him it’s a five-star prospect in Southern California.

You want Wisconsin to listen up, you better start calling it Fattening The Curve.

You wanna stop COVID-19, tell Pat Fitzgerald it’s a union.

You wanna stop COVID-19, tell Pat Narduzzi it’s his offense on the one-yard line.

You wanna stop COVID-19, tell the University of Alabama Board of Trustees it’s UAB football.

You wanna stop COVID-19, put it on Miami’s depth chart as a QB.

You wanna stop COVID-19, name it the Pac-12’s playoff contender.

You wanna stop COVID-19 for a couple weeks, tell Urban Meyer it got charged with a felony.

You wanna make COVID-19 disappear completely, call it Nebraska football.

You wanna limit exposure to COVID-19, put it on the Longhorn Network.

What’s the difference between coronavirus and a Michigan alum? Coronavirus managed to get into Harvard.

Y’all think FSU’s gonna have tutors take the coronavirus tests for the players outta habit?

Saw the NCAA’s financials. Guess this’ll be the year it really is a non-profit.

Glad LSU had Coach O handle that PSA. Les Miles woulda told everybody to stay inside for two weeks and then scheduled the spring game for day nine.

Coronavirus’s only been around for a couple of months but is all over the TV, so you know Dabo’s mad as hell at the Clemson disrespect.

Y’all stuck in the house watching Tiger King like a lady in Tampa feeding a man to a tiger is weird. PJ Fleck fed a Tiger to a Gopher in Tampa three months ago. Got away with it clean, too.

Liberty University’s motto is “Knowledge Aflame,” and that sounds about right.

No, Hugh Freeze, they didn’t say e-sensual businesses.

Investigate Arkansas. They’ve been hoardin’ pure L for years now.