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24 Questions about the Duke’s Mayo Bowl

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These are all very important!

GEOFFROY VAN DER HASSELT/AFP via Getty Images. Banner Society Illustration.

The Belk Bowl is dead. From its ashes, a viscous phoenix emerges in North Carolina:

Naturally, I have questions about this new sponsor. Almost none of those questions are related to football.

  1. How many pounds (gallons? what is the standard unit of mayonnaise measurement, anyways?) do you expect to serve to the teams picked to play in the Duke’s Mayo Bowl?
  2. Are you going to allow players and coaches to give their honest mayonnaise opinions or will corporate restrictions force you to censor any questions to that effect?
  3. There’s not going to be some sort of horrific mayonnaise team eating event, is there?
  4. What about a mayonnaise slip and slide at the pregame fan fest?
  5. Is there going to be a contest where fans try to punt a football into the top of a giant mayonnaise jar?
  6. Assuming you’re going to steal that idea, what is the prize if someone successfully punts a football into the giant mayonnaise jar?
  7. To what extent is this sponsorship a delayed act of revenge for Miracle Whip getting a prominent mention in a Kanye West lyric?
  8. Why are there so many dessert recipes that call for mayonnaise?
  9. Will a Gatorade jug of Duke’s mayonnaise be dumped on the winning coach?
  10. Will a Gatorade jug of store-brand mayonnaise be dumped on the losing coach?
  11. In Italy, is this game going to be presented as “La Ciotola Aioli della Duca?”
  12. Do you have an official stance on mayo as a French fry dip?
  13. I know your product is not named after him, but did you know one of the rumored origins of mayonnaise involves the Duke of Richelieu’s cook taking the recipe back to France after the Duke invaded the port of Mahón on the island of Menorca in 1756?
  14. Are you prepared for Duke University to play in the Duke’s Mayo Bowl?
  15. Are you concerned that West Virginia cornerback Tae Mayo won’t be able to play in your game because you don’t have a Big 12 tie-in?
  16. Have you considered the wormhole that will be created if Tae Mayo transfers to Duke, the Blue Devils get picked to play in your game, and the Duke’s Mayo Bowl MVP is Duke’s Mayo?
  17. Will the Mayo Clinic be the official medical provider of the Duke’s Mayo Bowl?
  18. Is it cruel to use a tomato sandwich in your promo video when you know that good tomatoes will not be available when your game is held in the winter?
  19. Is there a recording of Mack Brown saying the word “mayonnaise?”
  20. If there is, will you email it to me?
  21. If teams bring alternative condiments, will you force them to put them inside a Duke’s jar the same way beverages are handled at the NCAA tournament?
  22. Can we get Dave Clawson to do a mayo hair mask?
  23. Did you consider that the truest Mayonnaise Bowl would be a four team tournament with the SEC, Big Ten, ACC, and Big 12 represented?
  24. Do you want to use this photoshop of Brian Kelly holding up a bronzed jar of Duke’s with the text MAYO KING at the bottom in your marketing materials?

(I was also going to ask why Luke Kuechly didn’t put any pepper on his sandwich, but that question has already been addressed elsewhere.)