Inspired by our peer institution, the New York Times, we’ve decided to make the pages of Banner Society available to outside opinions and voices that traditionally have been labeled “stupid” or “dangerous” or “not real.” We start by offering you the opinions of The Predator, an intergalactic traveler and sportsman.
According to the Department of the Interior, Americans spent $25.6 billion on hunting in 2016. Most of that money, I’d wager, went towards hunting animals that pose no threat to humans, like deer and ducks. And even more dangerous prey, like bears and wolves, only possess sharp claws and teeth, not M16s and grenades.
The hunt is a mismatch, and you humans have the clear advantage.
How hypocritical, then, for you to say Predators are not welcome on your planet!
Anti-Predator stances show no respect for the rights enshrined in the First Amendment to the Predator Constitution, which states that “the right of Predators to keep and bear spearguns, wristblades, razor discuses, shoulder cannons, and other arms shall not be infringed.” That’s right. We made it our FIRST amendment, because that’s how important those liberties are on my planet! Yet the same whiny humans who insist we must respect all cultures refuse to recognize Predator traditions, simply because it’s not “politically correct” to rip out a human’s spine and mount it on the wall.
Our scolds also conveniently ignore that Predator hunts follow strict rules. We only face armed opponents, we never outnumber them, and if you win we will give you a cool antique pistol. (Yes, sometimes we self-destruct. Predators aren’t perfect and neither are you.) As your Ben Franklin once said, “those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.” Without the hunt, perhaps you would be safer. But why stop there? This is a slippery slope that ends with banning soft drinks, fatty foods, amusement parks, and so on. By all means, if you want to live an existence without personal freedom, start by keeping Predators off your world.
But the saddest part of the anti-Predator movement isn’t what it robs my species of. It’s what it takes away from yours. When we come to Earth, activate our cloaking devices, and start hunting you down one by one, you gain:
- Cardiovascular health from all the running, which many of you don’t get in your daily lives
- Teamwork, which many of you don’t enjoy in your increasingly fractured and distanced societies
- Real-world problem solving, which your jobs frequently do not offer you and you hide from with your smartphones
- The knowledge that you should not trust Gary Busey
- And, again, cool guns.
True, many of you will lose the hunt, but are you not capitalists? Do you not already believe in a system where the strong and smart and well-resourced win while many others struggle and fail? Frankly, the idea that we shouldn’t let Predators hunt because not everyone would win sounds a lot like “everyone should get a trophy!” That’s how you raise weak children not prepared for the rigors of adult life. How can they cope with not getting a promotion if they can’t cope with an invisible alien shooting plasma weapons at them in the jungle?
The choice is yours.* Embrace the stronger, more unified humanity that we, as Predators, offer you through ritualistic pursuit, or reject it and watch what you have built crumble.
*I mean, we’re still showing up either way, but I want you to feel like you have some agency here.