Last week (or maybe six years ago, it’s impossible to know for sure), the SEC revealed the additional conference games to be added to each team’s planned 2020 schedule. Arkansas, already scheduled to play Tennessee and Missouri from the SEC East, drew Florida and Georgia, making an already challenging first year for new head coach Sam Pittman that much more arduous.
We were able to acquire a recording of the conversation between the Arkansas Athletic Department and the SEC where this schedule was settled upon, and by “acquire” I mean we’ve completely fabricated it. The transcript of that call follows:
GREG SANKEY, COMMISSIONER OF THE SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE: Hey, y’all, sorry I’m a little late. Alabama had a snag with their escrow account. Is this everyone or are we still waiting on someone to join?
WILD BAND OF RAZORBACKS, STATUE: We should be good, Hunter said we could handle this without h-wait, what was that about Alabama?
SANKEY: Listen, I would love to chit-chat, but as I’m sure you can understand today’s pretty danged busy so if we could keep this moving that’d be best. Now, uh, which one of y’all am I talking to right now?
WILD BAND: It’s sort of a hive mind thing. While we each have independent heads, voices, and personalities, our thoughts are instantaneously enmeshed. What one Hog hears is known to all Hogs. When one Hog speaks, they speak for all Hogs.
SANKEY: Huh. So, uh ... does that ... can you ...
WILD BAND: (silence)
WILD BAND: (sighing heavily) No, we are not subjected to Bobby Petrino’s weird sex dreams.
SANKEY: Look, I had to ask. Anyways, have you had a chance to review the parameters my office set over?
WILD BAND: We have. As you know, after last year’s frustrating winless record in conference play, we feel it’s important for the Razorbacks to get a schedule that’s challenging without being unnecessarily demoralizing. Given that we’ll already be facing an ever-competitive SEC West slate, it strikes us that Vanderb-
(the sound of a poorly secured boat falling off a trailer)
WILD BAND: Well, shit.
SANKEY: What on Earth was th-
JERRY T. HOG, STATUE: Y’ALL THOUGHT YOU COULD LEAVE ME OFF THIS INVITE? HELL, BABY, YOU KNOW IF THERE’S ONE THING CARL LOVES IT’S A LITTLE ZOOM-A-ZOOM-ZOOM
WILD BAND: Jerry, you s-
JERRY: THAT’S FROM RUMP SHAKER. PLAYED THAT AS THE FIRST DANCE AT MY THIRD WEDDING.
WILD BAND: You said if we sent you a new smoker you’d promise not to get on this call!
JERRY: THAT SUCKER’S DEFECTIVE. NOT A SINGLE WARNING ON THE PACKAGING ABOUT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT CONFISCATING IT IF YOU TRY TO SMOKE A BOTTLE OF RUM AND FALL ASLEEP.
SANKEY: I’m sorry, is this gentlehog part of the athletic department?
JERRY: GOD-DANG LEGEND’S WHAT I AM, BUDDY
WILD BAND: Jerry is part of our hive mind. He sees what we see, and his criminal record is, regrettably, our criminal record.
SANKEY: I see. Jerry, your hogpatriots were just about to present their proposal for the additional Arkansas conference games.
WILD BAND; Yes, Commissioner, as we were saying, we believe it’s in everyone’s mutual interest to make Vanderbilt and South Carolina our additional opponents.
JERRY: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! WHO THE HELL IS SITTIN’ IN THEIR DEATH BED THINKIN’ BACK ON ALL THE KICK ASS MEMORIES THEY MADE PLAYIN’ VANDY?
WILD BAND: Why does everything always have to be about chasing thrills with you?
JERRY: EXACTLY WHAT ELSE ARE WE HERE FOR? YOU THINK THAT BIG OL’ BOAR IN THE SKY PUT US ON THIS FLOATIN’ HUNK OF ROCK SO WE COULD SCHEDULE OUR WAY TO 7-5 AND A CLOSE BOWL LOSS TO VIRGINIA DANG TECH?
WILD BAND: Stability! Progress! Growth! These are not things to take for granted, Jerry!
JERRY: SCREW ALL THAT! ARKANSAS FOOTBALL AIN’T NEVER BEEN ABOUT CAREFUL DECISION MAKIN’. IT’S ABOUT BUILDIN’ A RAMP TO JUMP OVER A BURGER KING, PEDALIN’ YOUR ASS OFF, SMACKIN’ SQUARE INTO THE SIDE OF THAT BURGER KING, AND TASTIN’ THE BLOOD IN YOUR MOUTH WHILE YOUR BUDDY LAUGHS AND UPLOADS THE WHOLE THING TO YOUTUBE! WOO PIG!
WILD BAND: We already play LSU and Alabama every year!
JERRY: AND IF I COULD I’D PLAY ‘EM THREE MORE TIMES! YOU DON’T LIVE LIFE IN A SPREADSHEET! YOU LIVE IT BUILDIN’ YOUR OWN ILLEGAL ROCKET SHIP BECAUSE IF IT WORKS THEY GOTTA COME TO SPACE TO IMPOUND THAT BAD BOY!
WILD BAND; Commissioner, we’re terribly sorry about this. If you have no objection, we’d ask that Arkansas be assigned S-
JERRY: FLORIDA AND GEORGIA!!
WILD BAND: JERRY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SANKEY: Wild Band, you did say when one Hog speaks, they speak for all Hogs, did you not?
WILD BAND: (crying softly) We did, Commissioner. We did.
SANKEY: Florida and Georgia it is. Thank you, gentlehogs. Please give the rest of the department my best.
BARRY SWITZER, STATUE THAT’S NOT WEARING UNDERPANTS: JERRY! I FINALLY GOT IT TO WORK! TOOK A FEW TRIES BUT I FIGURED OUT THE RIGHT MARGARITA RECIPE THAT WOULDN’T CLOG UP THE POOL FILTERS!
JERRY: AW HELL YEAH! LEMME GET THE IOC ON THE PHONE. ‘RITA RELAYS, YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE AN EXHIBITION EVENT IN TOKYO!