The University of Georgia Health Center recently took down a number of guidelines about how to navigate sexual situations to reduce the chances of transmitting Covid-19. A spokeperson for the school explained that the decision came after “the information was mocked, ridiculed and criticized on social media,” though if we deleted anything that got made fun of online, the Internet would consist of five recipes, some Simone Biles highlights, and nope yeah that’s actually it.
But we want people to practice healthy habits, so we have turned to one of the most trusted sex education teaching tools in the state of Georgia: “What’s Your Fantasy,” by Ludacris. Of the amorous situations presented therein, which are still safe during this pandemic, and which are better saved for healthier times? Based on reviewing public health guidelines, these are our recommendations. PLEASE NOTE: All of the activities listed should only be attempted while all parties involved are wearing a face mask.
(Please note: I am not a doctor, and most doctors do not even really like me.)
- Up on the roof
- On hay in middle of the barn
- In the garden all in the dirt
- On the top of my Escalade
- On the beach with black sand*
- In the pouring rain
- On the ocean**
*assuming no significant travel is required to reach said beach
**assuming the use of some sort of personal ice floe or similar
- In the DJ booth
- In the back of the VIP
- In the public bathroom
- In back of the classroom
- In the bath tub
- A sauna
- In the back row at the movie
- In the back seat (windows up)
- Up in the candy store
MORE CONTEXT NEEDED TO DETERMINE SAFETY
- In the boat: If this means aboard a cruise ship, we strongly advise against this. If it is on the deck of a small private vessel, it’s probably ok.
- In the library on top of books (but you can’t be too loud): Talking loudly or seems to spread the virus more effectively, so quiet is good. Please make sure your local library is closed to the public, however.
- On stage at the Ludacris concert: What’s the venue? Is it, as Ludacris says, a sold out show? If the set up looks like one of these new socially distant concerts, this is probably okay.
- In the White House: Very tricky! On the one hand, staffers and regular visitors are likely subjected to regular testing and temperature monitoring to prevent an outbreak. On the other, you probably don’t live or work in the White House, which qualifies this as, at best, an unnecessary visit.
- In the Georgia Dome on the 50 yard line while the Dirty Birds kick for three: Nothing’s been built on the site of the previous home of the Atlanta Falcons, so if you can find where the 50 used to be, you’re just having sex in a parking lot (apparently while the Falcons attempt a field goal inside Mercedes-Benz Stadium) and this should be relatively fine. But if you’re adapting the lyrics to the times by going to Mercedes-Benz, it’s a trickier situation. Where are the Falcons attempting the field goal from? Will you be clearing the field after the kick, even if your sexual goals remain incomplete? Is security chasing you? Are any fans in attendance, or are you doing this in front of completely empty stands? Without knowing those details, you’re probably better off sticking to the parking lot plan.
We hope you found this guide helpful. If you have other Atlanta rap-based sexual scenarios to review for epidemiological safety, please consult your physician.