Friends and neighbors, time is of the essence on this particular story, so we’ll get right to it: In a display of initiative not typically ascribed to the White House press corps, a local raccoon accosted multiple members of the media at a Monday morning press gaggle.
Strong Pawnee vibes at White House this morning as a raccoon attacked multiple news crews on North Lawn. allegedly grabbed pant leg of a photographer & then a corespondent before being fended off. (WH pictured here in more peaceful times.) pic.twitter.com/o5VbTUHxBR— Paula Reid (@PaulaReidCBS) September 28, 2020
As of this writing, no charges have been filed, and the critter in question has not made any public statements. Yet while the language barrier between our two species may be high, the message is clear: Let the raccoon moderate Tuesday’s presidential debate.
The list of evidence in support of this reasoning is – not unlike a raccoon – short, and to the point.
Racoons are tenacious. The inclusion of Chris Wallace proves that we do not, as a nation or as a media industry, have any better ideas. While he may not be the unctuous sycophant our big wet president might wish for, Wallace works for a cabal of such. It is impossible for him to be seen as truly above reproach.
His prepared topics for Tuesday’s debate also leave much to be desired. Whom would you trust more to flip the wishy-washy topic of “race and violence in our cities” into actual questions about police brutality, and to press for actual answers surrounding systemic racism in America? The guy cashing checks from Fox News, or a creature famed for centuries, in both fact and folklore, for not letting go of its quarry even with one of its limbs clamped in an actual bear trap?
Raccoons are resourceful. We’ve seen ample evidence already this week of the benefits the American public derives from deep dives into old paperwork. What better moderator to help guide voters towards the candidate that best suits their needs than one already adept at sifting through trash? Raccoons enter and escape the most heavily-guarded building in our nation’s capital on the regular, and have successfully eluded the Secret Service once this week already. Now imagine one empowered to press for an answer on forthcoming legal challenges to the Affordable Care Act.
Raccoons represent a true silent majority. Nature is NOT healing. Climate change affects the animal kingdom even more violently than humankind, and has been woefully undercovered in both previous election debates and this next one. It’s past time to hear from those on the front lines, from a moderator with first-hand experience of a devastated habitat, how these candidates plan to shift American policy from a primarily mitigation-based strategy to one of adaptation.
Racoons are security-minded. With still more than a month looming between now and Election Day, our democratic infrastructure is already the target of at least three different countries’ hacking efforts. Yet while Russia poses one of the chief threats for potential mayhem on November 3, it also offers up one very obvious solution.
You know one place you absolutely cannot hack a phone? On this lil guy’s watch:
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.