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Will Muschamp Explains The GameStop Story

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A special report from college football’s finest financial mind

STONKS!
Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports. Banner Society Illustration.

While other sites can offer you smart, well-researched explanations of the meme stock craze currently playing out in the world’s financial markets, we at Banner Society have something else to offer you: The same story, but broken down by erstwhile coach/budding financial wunderkind Will Muschamp.

South Carolina v Missouri Photo by David Eulitt/Getty Images

FIRST THING YOU GOTTA KNOW: Wall Street fucked up when it bet against GameStop. Shortin’ a stock is basically the financial version of sayin’ a team’s gonna go 4-8, or lose by 25, or fire their coach in the middle of a pandemic despite his buyout being stupid big.

That’s motivational fuel right there! If I’m a GameStop manager, I’m slappin’ those shorts up on the wall of the break room and screamin’ LET’S GO STOP GAMES LIKE WE NEVER STOPPED GAMES BEFORE, MEN!

[Muschamp pauses to drink directly from a hose, even though he’s indoors and standing a few feet away from a water cooler. It’s unclear what the hose is attached to, or indeed if it’s attached to anything.]

SECOND THING! You gotta push through when the officials start makin’ calls against you, and they’re gonna make calls against you. I can’t say this after a game, but they don’t want the little guy to win, because the league office is scared of pissin’ off the big money.

In football, you start gettin’ flagged for piddly shit like “defensive pass interference.” THE DEFENSE IS SUPPOSED TO INTERFERE WITH A PASS. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY ARCADE FOOTBALL, HERE’S TWO BUCKS IN QUARTERS.

AND NO, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE TEKKEN’S GOTTEN! MY VIEWS ON THIS HAVE BEEN PREVIOUSLY COMMUNICATED TO THE NCAA AND SUMMARILY IGNORED!

Financial market’s no different. You go up by a couple scores on the blue-bloods, and out of nowhere, they’re slappin’ trading limits on your account here and crying about liquidity there. Hydration’s the key to any championship, so don’t start whinin’ because you didn’t mix up enough Gatorade before practice!

Next thing you know, the talking heads are sayin’ you don’t play the game the right way. But you gotta ignore all that adversity and just stick to your game plan.

[He opens a desk drawer, reaches in, and emerges with a handful of deli meat, which he promptly stuffs into his mouth, swallowing it without chewing.]

Python’s an efficient animal, I tell you what.

THIRD THING! After that first big win, you’re gonna be the toast of the town. Newspaper’s gonna write about how smart and brave you are, how you succeeded where nobody else could. Your stock – literally and medically, or whatever – is just going up-up-up-up-up.

But even the highest, most beautiful punt you ever saw’s gonna come back to Earth at some point. And all that media love is gonna kill your team’s competitive spirit. Where you were stoppin’ eight or nine games a day before, you’ll look up and notice now it’s only four or five games. Some days you’re not stoppin’ games at all, just watchin’ games scoot on by.

It’s hard to watch, but that’s just how the market works, brother. So long as you’re still in the business, you’ll start the whole cycle all over again.

Now maybe you think that’s a bullcrap explanation of a complicated series of transactions and counter-transactions, one that doesn’t adequately address the inherent imbalance built into our financial markets. Lemme ask you one thing: Did you make over $13 million this year?

‘Cause I sure as shit did.