While other sites can offer you smart, well-researched explanations of the meme stock craze currently playing out in the world’s financial markets, we at Banner Society have something else to offer you: The same story, but broken down by erstwhile coach/budding financial wunderkind Will Muschamp.
FIRST THING YOU GOTTA KNOW: Wall Street fucked up when it bet against GameStop. Shortin’ a stock is basically the financial version of sayin’ a team’s gonna go 4-8, or lose by 25, or fire their coach in the middle of a pandemic despite his buyout being stupid big.
That’s motivational fuel right there! If I’m a GameStop manager, I’m slappin’ those shorts up on the wall of the break room and screamin’ LET’S GO STOP GAMES LIKE WE NEVER STOPPED GAMES BEFORE, MEN!
[Muschamp pauses to drink directly from a hose, even though he’s indoors and standing a few feet away from a water cooler. It’s unclear what the hose is attached to, or indeed if it’s attached to anything.]
SECOND THING! You gotta push through when the officials start makin’ calls against you, and they’re gonna make calls against you. I can’t say this after a game, but they don’t want the little guy to win, because the league office is scared of pissin’ off the big money.
In football, you start gettin’ flagged for piddly shit like “defensive pass interference.” THE DEFENSE IS SUPPOSED TO INTERFERE WITH A PASS. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY ARCADE FOOTBALL, HERE’S TWO BUCKS IN QUARTERS.
AND NO, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE TEKKEN’S GOTTEN! MY VIEWS ON THIS HAVE BEEN PREVIOUSLY COMMUNICATED TO THE NCAA AND SUMMARILY IGNORED!
Financial market’s no different. You go up by a couple scores on the blue-bloods, and out of nowhere, they’re slappin’ trading limits on your account here and crying about liquidity there. Hydration’s the key to any championship, so don’t start whinin’ because you didn’t mix up enough Gatorade before practice!
Next thing you know, the talking heads are sayin’ you don’t play the game the right way. But you gotta ignore all that adversity and just stick to your game plan.
[He opens a desk drawer, reaches in, and emerges with a handful of deli meat, which he promptly stuffs into his mouth, swallowing it without chewing.]