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Opening the MAILBAT: Volume 2

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Batman answers the call. We answer your questions. Heroism comes in many forms.

2014 New York Comic Con - Day 1 Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images

As the stewards of the most prolific collective of Batman scholarship in recorded human history, we receive frequent inquiries from the common man regarding various Batmatters. From time to time, we collect these queries, along with our replies, and publish them for the edification of the general public. All answers are canon. You are welcome.

PREVIOUSLY: MAILBAT, Vol. 1

Seeing as how Batman’s various nemeses are generally in and out of prison on a revolving but staggered basis, what is the ideal scheduling order of villains for Batman to fight? Like, if Killer Croc or Bane are the most physically taxing, does he schedule a Calendar Man or Riddler the week before? What’s the ideal 12-week schedule to conserve Batman’s strength and mental acuity? – Kalan K.

Godfrey: This is actually Bane’s origin-ish story: He busted everyone else out of Arkham, and once Bats was exhausted, he beat his ass and broke his back. (Just as an aside, in pro wrestling terms, this is some bullshit booking. Bane is strong enough to beat Batman up, one on one, without the help. This entire storyline sucked, took years to develop, and created the one-note Bane we know and love(?) today.) Also, I bet after dealing with Riddler for a week he’s very relieved to just beat the shit out of someone and not listen to puns.

When in Ohio does Batman refer to himself as “The” Batman? – Vinny C.

Holly: I have not plumbed too deeply into the actual Batman comics, but I HAVE seen several of the movies, and within that limited scope of understanding, the person I remember referring to “The Batman” most often is actually the Joker. Which, yeah, that guy’s definitely from Columbus. Good catch.

Would Batman bother to break up a Securities Fraud conspiracy? – Georgia V.

Ryan: No, for three reasons. First, there aren’t many punching opportunities, and those are a big factor in how Batman chooses to spend his time. Second, there’s no lives to save or explosions to prevent, and Batman’s theoretically trying to address preventable deaths first and financial damages, I dunno, 70th or so. Third, financial criminals don’t go to supervillain prison. Batman knows he’d look ridiculous escorting a 73-year-old banker into minimum-security lockup in New Hampshire.

Do you think Batman carries protein bars in his utility belt and/or Batmobile? He has to, right? He’s out all night fighting crime. He’s gotta get his energy up somehow, and it’s not like he can swing thru a drive-thru, like, say, Taco Bell … wait, let’s just imagine Batman eating Taco Bell at 3 AM, then having to find a bathroom an hour later and get his suit off. – Blake E.

Godfrey: I would assume Bruce is one of those annoying “I eat 10 small meals a day” assholes who volunteer their workout regiments in every conversation. The problem is, when are you stopping to eat on a normal Batman-ing night? I assume he eats those weird gel goo things I see long distance runners using. That, or just steroids.

An altruistic billionaire? What’s the deal with that? – Al O.

Holly: I’m going to defer to your fellow reader, Mary T., when considering whether it’s even altruism at all: “He’s a sociopath who’s found a culturally acceptable means for committing violence.” We’ll come back to this in a minute.

Who covers for Batman when he attends Davos and Bohemian Grove? Is this a responsibility of the other Justice League members, or just Robin? – Sean J.

Ryan: Nobody, but it’s never an issue because Bruce is desperate for any excuse to leave these kinds of events. I bet he’s paid Penguin $40,000 to take hostages just so he can leave a particularly boring rehearsal dinner. Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same if you had the means! They shouldn’t just let whoever wants to give a speech get up there, dang it!

Is Notre Dame Adam West Batman or Ben Affleck Batman? – Das C.

Godfrey: Neither. Notre Dame is Clooney Batman: Horribly miscast as an effective hero and actively damaging its legacy, and despite its lack of relevance today we can’t stop talking about it.

What changes would occur if Batman would take place in Jacksonville? – Adam W.

Ryan: I don’t even need a joke here because a while back I went to a Jaguars tailgate and met a Jacksonville Batman. The main difference: He chain smokes.

How much more good could Batman have done with his money if he put it towards schools, inner city programs, mental health, and poverty; rather than, yanno, building a tank to ride around in? – A. Schmidt

Holly: We got a LOT of questions in this vein, so I will do you at home the honor of assuming you haven’t watched the Snyder Cut: One of the only good parts of the movie involves Cyborg hacking into a Gotham bank via ATM to place $100,000 in the account of a recently-evicted young mother he encounters on the street. He does not personally interact with the woman in any way, and neither seeks nor claims any credit for helping out a fellow Gothamite. Extrapolating from this isolated incident, it’s not hard at all to see how Cyborg could become some kind of Antifa Batman, and REALLY not hard to see how quickly he might become both Batman’s highest-quality replacement and scariest nemesis. Because what happens when he comes to redistribute the wealth of one Bruce Wayne? You’d watch this movie, right?

In honor of his passing, had DMX played Batman in which movie or story arc would he have been the best? – Mark F.

Holly: I feel like the answer is clearly “playing all the parts in either ‘Batman Forever’ or ‘Batman & Robin.’”

Ryan: Old TV show Batman. Sorry to Adam West, but this is how we change television history forever.

Godfrey: I would’ve loved a DMX version of the “Lego Batman” songbook.

Do you know how to crank dat Batman? – Harry L.

Batman Photo by Silver Screen Collection/Getty Images

Interested readers may submit their own questions on Bat arcana, to be published in a future edition of MAILBAT, at compliance@bannersociety.com.